Previously titled: “hey how are you?” Me: “you might want to sit down..”
As usual: watch yourself. There is no part of this blog that is sugar-coated. It is nothing but the rawest form of me that you can get. It’s real & if you’re not ready for that, you probably should read this anyway. Enjoy!
On the World Race, our team leaders are supposed to collect information from us every week. The information has to do with how our past week has gone. We’re supposed to answer what a challenge has been & a celebration we have. We call them C & C’s for that reason. Honestly, I feel bad for whoever reads them because I take the question quite seriously & write until I’ve said my piece. I’ve noticed that everyone else tends to write a few sentences whereas I give about a blog’s worth of information. C&C’s are one of the reasons I don’t blog as much as I probably should because by the time I’ve written out my challenge & celebration on that word document, I no longer have the writing stamina to inform all of you beautiful people as to how I am actually doing & what I am really learning.
So, I’ve decided to post my C&C as my blog this week. Why not, you know?
Challenge:
Upon saying yes to dedicating myself a little more sincerely to following God, I took a turn for the worse (for more information on “saying yes” read my blog titled, “why I didn’t go home”). I didn’t take into consideration how much larger the target on my back had grown when I wanted to get closer to God and thus I was unprepared to handle what came next. Starting the day after my birthday, I began struggling with a lot of things that hadn’t been a problem for a while. For example: way back when *insert back story here* I picked up a couple issues from a coworker of mine & now off and on, I struggle intensely with bolemic or anorexic tendencies (also, sometimes, intense anxiety). I’ve only once partaken in either of them. But the day after my birthday, I was so close to giving in that the only thing that kept me from making myself throw up was the fact that my team mates would’ve heard me.
I was so angry at God that night. I didn’t understand why my work was crashing down around me. I had just redesign yes myself to God- why did j hate myself so thoroughly again?? The more I thought about myself and my situation, the more I saw it for what it was. Satan was throwing everything he had at me again.
I refused to give in to bolemia that night purely just so that Satan wouldn’t win. I was so upset with God. I cussed at him, demanding to know why he had called me to the World Race & what the point of me being alive was. I simply didn’t see the point anymore. It seemed like all my life had become was an endless battle to just be okay.
I wanted to give up that night. I wanted to just disappear. I didn’t want to go home though because I knew if I did (at this point at least) the only thing that would become of me would be bad. I would fall back into drinking to numb myself, I would involve myself in self-destructive physical relationships, I would give in to things that would ruin me, & I would lose everything that I counted as progress so far on the race. Therefore, I felt trapped and stuck. I couldn’t go anywhere.
Celebration:
^ I’m not at that point anymore. Yay! I had an unintentional & sneaky 1 on 1 (a World Race technique in which 2 people set aside time dedicated to having deep & meaningful conversation with someone on their team) with Caroline the other day and she asked me a follow up question from when I gave my testimony back in Malawi. She wanted to know if I went home what would stop me from falling back into my old habits and ways of living.
This was a very good question of course seeing as how just a few nights ago I hated everything about myself & wanted to give up. I started explaining a little more in depth what had caused my downfall in 2012 after my Peru mission trip & why it had happened. After that, I went into how there is a big difference between that one week mission trip and this 11 month long one.
God is rewriting who I am as a person. He’s erased everything I used to be (and is still working to do that) and is retracing the lines that make me the unique creation that he originally thought up. The difference between then and now is that j myself am different. I am beginning to respect myself for the first time in my life. I’m learning to have morals and goals, dreams and aspirations. I want to be someone and do something with my life. I want permanent life transformation and I will accept nothing less than the best.
God wants what is best for me & I know that if I follow Him it will come to pass. I have learned to accept God’s love for me and I am starting to truly believe that I matter and that no matter what I do, I will always have worth. I love my Savior and thanks to God, I now know and accept that he loves me back.
I know that I need to learn how to sit back and let God do this transformation for me. The entire World Race has been a long journey of God giving me a chair to sit in while he works his healing magic and me jumping out of the chair, offering it to him instead, & then trying to fix everything on my own strength & abilities (which, fun fact, after being measured, they were found to be extremely lacking & quite honestly, not enough).
At training camp, Luke (one of my squad-mates) received a vision for he and I. Summed up, it was God saying that all we need do on the World Race is sit back, enjoy the ride, & watch him work & change our lives.
I’ve been pissed off at God for the past 6 months because I’ve put a heck of a lot of work into this life transformation & I still haven’t seen the results Luke was talking about. I didn’t understand why God was taking so long to step in & do what he said he was going to do. It all came crashing down on February 9th (the day after my birthday). I had had enough. I didn’t want to keep fighting. I didn’t want to keep making life change happen. I was fed up, burnt out, & sick of giving my all 100% of the time.
It was during my conversation with Caroline that I realized what I was doing wrong: everything.
The key factor that God gave Luke to relay to me was the fact that HE was going to do the work – not me. I’ve spent the entire World Race trying to do the work myself when all God actually asked of me was to sit down, keep my heart & eyes open, & watch.
So! Very round about way of explaining that I know what I need to do in order to get better. I just need to learn to get over myself. I need to learn how to let go & let God do this for me. I have to be okay intentionally allowing someone else to do the hard work. I’ve never been good at this. Not once in my life can I remember a time when I needed help, asked for it, & didn’t feel bad about “inconveniencing” someone.
*Sigh* this is hard stuff I’m dealing with but I know that if I can learn to let God help me, that I will do more than just make it through to the other side. I’ll be able to breathe again.
Can you imagine what that will feel like? Taking a deep breath and relaxing? It still blows my mind that that’s what God has assigned me to do: relax.
I’ll let you know how it goes! Please be praying for me.
Peace & love,
~ Vashti W.
Personal update: The next fundraising deadline is March 1st and I need another $3,974 in order to become fully funded and maintain my spot on the World Race. I know my journey isn’t done yet. I have so much more to learn, experience, and grow in. It would mean the world to me if you could donate to my support account. Even $5 goes a long way. If you’d like to know more about my journey or what I’ve done so far on the race (including ministry & serving), please feel free to contact me through my e-mail: [email protected]
If you’d like to donate online, you can do so through my blog by clicking the “Support Me!” link & following the directions.
Thank you to everyone for reading, praying, & supporting me in all the ways that you do. This race is so much more manageable with your help.
