I’m in month 9 of the 11 month long mission trip called the World Race. This month my team, S.alt ‘N L.ight has been stationed in Chiang Mai, Thailand at a ministry called Lighthouse in Action. They have 3 specific branches of ministry:
– Love Acts (bar ministry, monk chats, english teaching, & more) (She’s Worth More)
– X-Life (going out to the country & living with the locals)
– Zion Cafe (the coffee house)
When one of my teammates, Caroline, heard about the X-Life option, she was immediately interested….meanwhile, I was very much so NOT interested at all.
While, yes, running off to the country side, separated from wifi, people, & the city life to do farming, English teaching, & loving on local people the way Jesus would sounds right up my alley….I realized that I had no desire to go.
In non-world-race life this wouldn’t be a problem- Caroline would’ve just gone by herself. But this is the World Race. So she needed an exit-buddy.
Out of everyone in the room, I probably wanted to go the least. Out of everyone in the room, God chose me to be her exit-buddy. Go figure.
At this point in the race, there’s no saying “no” to God so I begrudgingly raised my hand & agreed to go. May the record show that I forced a smile & sounded happy when I volunteered to go. Thank you. I know, I should be an actress.
Caroline handled all the details with our ministry host- all I had to do was point at the calendar & agree on when to go. We decided on 5 days (including the travel days to get there) towards the end of the month. We went August 20th and came back August 25th.
I admitted to a few of my friends on the squad that I was not exactly excited to be going to X-Life & that I needed prayer. The more prayer I asked for (& the more I prayed for myself) the more I started thinking that God had something in store for me that week but at the same time, I started to sink into myself.
For some reason, I started to put up walls & before I knew it, I was waking up almost every day with a bad attitude. I felt like I was walking around in a cloud & became disconnected with reality- nothing much mattered to me anymore. I was going through the motions.
A day or so before leaving is when I was informed that another person would be joining us- my beautiful squad-mate Brooke. That brought our team to 3 total members. This is also when I was informed that we would be staying at a home for children that were at risk for getting wrapped up in sex-trafficking ….hmm…
The morning of our departure is when we received information on where we’d be staying (it’s also when my period decided to happen again- that makes 3 times on the race. Yay…being a girl is….fun…that’s sarcasm.)
When we arrived at the “bus” station (Saung Tao = basically a flatbed truck with a covering over it) that’s when we were informed that the ride to where we were staying would last 4-5 hours. (I thought it was 30 minutes away)
I also smiled through all of that. I should get an award…
To say the least, as I was sitting in the back of the Saong Tao (I don’t know how it’s spelled. From here on out, I’ll refer to it as ST), surrounded by roughly 9 other people & their luggage, sweating out all of my body’s moisture, cramping up, & fighting sleep, I was not excited about the upcoming adventure that was X-Life. I would’ve rather faked a heart attack & spent the next 5 days lying my way through hospital inquiries.
After waiting around for about 50 minutes our trip began & I watched through the bars of the ST as the city melted away. To my surprise, we were making our way towards the mountain that I’d had my eye on since we arrived here in Chiang Mai. The air slowly transitioned from hot & stuffy to cool & earthy. I admitted to myself that perhaps something good would happen.
When we arrived in the small Watchan Village, I was delirious from being half-asleep/awake & was about to pee myself. We quickly located a bathroom & I shot up about one million prayers asking for guidance, patience, peace, change of heart, humility, safety, wisdom, & love for the people we’d be working with (& my fellow teammates).
We were picked up by our contact & got to ride in the back of his truck to the home we’d be staying at. Rising Sun House didn’t look like much but in the next 4 days it would come to mean so much more to me than the 4 walls & 3 mattresses on the floor that I originally noticed.
I brought with me: clothing, toiletries, my iPod, journal, bible, & Searching For God Knows What by Donald Miller.
The first night I fell asleep while reading & had intense dreams. It was a combination of people from my past & J-Squad members. It was like I was watching a movie of everything I’d ever done with the men in my life. Weird.
When I woke up in the morning, breakfast was waiting for me along with crisp cool mountain air & a hot cup of instant Nescafé coffee. I didn’t know it then but my life was about to change again.
Life in Watchan Village is slow, easy-going, laid back, & peaceful & yet, I was more productive there than I was in the hustle & bustle of the city.
For the first time in a while, my life went from “MUST HAVE MEASURABLE RESULTS” to “I wonder what God will do today”
Over the next 4 days, my team (Team “3in1” named after the instant coffee we were served) took part in the following:
-Farming
-English teaching
-Worship
-Prayer Time
-Cleaning
-Cooking
-Peanut Shelling (technically this counts as farming too but I wanted to list it separately because we did it for 3 hours straight in one sitting & that’s just something I never thought I’d do in my life)
– oh, & we went to church on Sunday
The children we worked with (7 girls & 3 boys) were some of the kindest people I’ve met in my life. Their ages ranged from 12-17 & they are all enrolled in the local school system through Rising Sun House (at least this is what I took away…language barrier confuses things sometimes). Each of them came from a different home village & were staying at this house for the time being.
We only worked with the kids during the evening after they returned from school & even then, we weren’t able to communicate much because they didn’t speak a lot of english and we definitely didn’t understand any Thai. We learned to love them through our actions & our smiling faces.
In our downtime, we were allowed to do anything we wanted. As a team, we took a couple walks & had deep conversations but on my own time, I dived into my book, my bible, my journal, & prayer.
In no time at all, I found myself in a new place with God. I was studying His word (I’m starting in Psalms), asking Him to guide me through it, & writing down anything I felt like he was telling me.
After my first session of this, I felt a wave of peace flood over me. It was surreal the way I felt my problems, worries, & frustrations melt away. My focus became focused. I was no longer stressing out about what I was missing back at Zion Cafe, what was going on at home (back in the states), or what I need to be doing with my life in the future.
It didn’t take long at all. I became God-minded.
Every minute that I didn’t have a task assigned to me, I was reading & journaling. In his book, Donald Miller speaks on how much Jesus wants a relationship with us, about how we were created to have one with him, & how when we replace him with people everything gets wacky.
As I read his book, it was like my heart woke up. There was something I was searching for. I’d been searching for it as long as I remember being able to remember. I’ve always felt like I was missing something.
Through Miller’s book, I came to the realization that even though I’m a missionary, even though I spend every day of my life doing my best to give more than I take, even though I work my hardest to do everything right, & even though I’ve “been a Christian” my whole life, that didn’t cut it.
It wasn’t enough.
There was still something else that I was missing.
I realized I was missing Jesus himself.
So, I asked myself, how did THAT happen? How have I gone this long without a relationship with Jesus? I thought about it & realized that it was easy to do that.
I’ve spent my days clocking in & out of Jesus. When it was time to do ministry, have a deep talk, worship, pray for someone, or do something “Christiany” I would “clock in”. I would put on my Christian hat & do my best to be the perfect christian missionary.
Don’t get me wrong- my heart was always in the work. The change that needed to happen would be the way I went about it.
Over X-life I added a new prayer to my usual list: “Jesus, I want a relationship with you. Help me to love you the way you love me. Inspire me to chase after you the way you’ve always chased after me.”
The more time I spent learning about God through the psalms, through prayer, & through writing out my thoughts, the more I started to feel something change in my soul. I started noting that I didn’t feel alone the way I used to. My thought patterns started changing. My priorities rearranged themselves. My smile wasn’t forced anymore.
God started putting together the puzzle pieces of my soul. He spoke truth to me through the words of my book & the bible.
He brought something up that I thought I’d dealt with already: men.
Before the race, I was a self-destructing time bomb of a people pleaser. Anything anybody wanted from me they could have. I gave it willingly more often than not- even though I knew it was killing me.
It got to the point where if I wasn’t the focus of every man in my life then I wasn’t “worth it”. I hated myself for cheapening what I had to offer by offering it to anyone. I was desperate for attention. For love. For anyone & everyone to tell me that I was wanted, important, beautiful, that I mattered- that I stood out.
At the same time though, I had been so mistreated by men in my past that I didn’t trust them (as a whole) anymore. In my eyes, they all just wanted the same thing from me- they wanted me to make them feel good. They were going to use me & then toss me to the side like everyone else had. I had issues.
Coming onto the race got me excited- I couldn’t wait to see examples of “godly men”. I told myself that my problem in life was that I’d just never had good enough examples of men & that the men on my squad would fix me. They’d show me how to be strong & to stand up for myself. I was going to learn how to get over my problems & move on. I was counting down the days till I could live with these awesome guys every day.
God knew better. He knew that I would’ve forced relationship where there didn’t need to be one. He knew that I would’ve continued to seek approval from them whether they (or myself) knew about it or not. In my eyes, I was still an object & I was about to sell myself for 11 months straight. He stepped in & saved me again.
Without ever saying anything about my deeply rooted “man” problem, God guided my world race administrators to put me on an all-girls team at training camp…and then again during team changes month 4…and then once more during final team changes month 8.
By now though (month 9) I had admitted my problems, I came to terms with them, & I told myself I had gotten better.
God said otherwise.
While I was reading about relationships in Miller’s book, God asked me if I was lonely. I said yes. He asked me why I wanted to be with a man. At first I thought that was a stupid question- “because I want to be held again. I want to see love for me in a man’s eyes again. I want to be told that I’m the love of someone’s life. I want to meet my soulmate! I want to start life with him & do super awesome missionary couple stuff with him!”
I went on giving random reasons for a while until I ran out. It took about 2 minutes. I sat there silently waiting for God to say something again. He didn’t. Instead, I started reviewing my answers & realized they weren’t really true.
If I was honest with myself, I DIDN’T want to be with a man again. In fact, it scared me. Being in a relationship would mean being “tied down”, it would mean opening up to someone who could potentially turn me down, & it would mean having to trust a man to love & protect me rather than to use & get bored of me. I started crying.
In my head I prayer-whispered, “I take it back, God. I don’t want to be in a relationship. I can’t go through all of that again. I just want you.”
I was silent for a while. Then peace washed over me again. God spoke again, “What do you want in a man?”
My heart ached suddenly for someone I didn’t know. I almost started crying again. Truth crept into my mind- God has someone out there for me & he is just right. I’m not ready for him & he’s probably not ready for me. When we’re supposed to be together, God will make it happen & that’s simply all I need to know.
He asked again, “what do you want in a man?”
I wrote out my thoughts and feelings until finally I came to 3 statements.
“What Vashti needs in a husband: I need him to…
Love Him (God). Love me. Protect us.”
After writing that, I could feel in my heart that it would come to be. I took a deep breath, rolled over on my bed, & stared, through my mosquito net, at the ceiling.
Faces from my past & present bubbled up from my memory & I fought off tears. I fell asleep asking God to give me the faith to trust him in this.
When I woke up in the morning I was full of joy. Overnight something had changed in my soul. I was in love! And I was very confused.
How could something like that change overnight? Over the next couple days I continued to press into this overwhelming feeling. It was so pure, so strong, so real, & it was lasting. I took it to God regularly and asked him to help me understand it. He did- it’s a love for Jesus.
I dived into Miller’s book, the bible, & my teammates over the next couple days & my heart began to warm up to life again.
While we were farming God opened my heart to my passion for seeing things grow, for nurturing something, for hoping for a good outcome. He reminded me of my love for nature & for people as a whole.
Through the peace & quiet of Watchan Village, God helped me find myself again.
Even though I went to this place out of sheer obligation & not in the right mindset to minister & be a light, I ended up being inspired & renewed myself.
It’s been a few days now since I returned from the village & started life back at Zion cafe & I’m happy to say that I’m still going! I’m still in love with Jesus and those that know me have sensed a difference. I’m not who I used to be (even from last week). Life is good & our Savior is better. He continues to open my mind & heart to things that I never believed to be possible before.
He’s changing me more & more every day & all it took was dedication on my part- a willingness to release control of my life & to trust Him with it instead.
I’m learning to be present & to trust God’s timing. I know that he has big plans for me in the future but I also know that they’re in the future for a reason- I’m not quite ready. So I’ll wait. I’ll wait patiently & dig into every day as it passes by with joy & gratitude. Truly, every day is a gift.
So there you have it- on my mission trip within a mission trip (mission trip-ception) I learned to…
– see myself through God’s eyes
– to truly love those around me
– to hope again
– to enjoy my life one moment at a time
– ….& most awkwardly & unfamiliar: to be excited for marriage & my future husband whoever he might be (A few pointers- I like long walks on the beach, dancing in the rain, being sung to, & following Jesus).
Pray for me as I continue to push into Jesus. Pray that I continue to have zeal for learning more about him. Pray that God continues to reconcile the relationships of my past, that he continues to bring healing to my heart & the hearts of others that have less than perfect pasts, & for goodness sakes….
Next month comes month 10 in Cambodia & my team (S.alt ‘N L.ight) will be in the “bushiest” of the bush. Meaning we’ll be way removed from city life & “civilization.” The running joke/real life situation is that we have to shower in our bathing suits outside…. #worldrace
Jesus give me strength haha.
Alright, that’s all for now! Check out Lighthouse in Action here in Chiang Mai, Thailand & all their super awesome & eye-opening ministries!
Until Next Time!,
~ Vashti W.
Ps: I can hear my parents singing “matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match!” From fiddler on the roof all the way from California here in Thailand. Don’t you two worry! It’ll happen some day =oP
Pss: I’M FULLY FUNDED!! Blog “soon” to come on that. THAAAAAANK YOOOOOOU!! (Imagine me doing cartwheels, jumping up & down, hyperventilating, & crying tears of joy). I’m beyond blessed. You’re all angels!
