How often is it that you look in a mirror and see something that other people do not? For me, the answer would be “way too often”. Mirrors have been a constant source of poor self-esteem for as long as I can remember. It wasn’t until right before I left for the World Race that this started to change for me.
I began to ask God to reveal to me how He sees me. Boy did he… After I prayed for that, God began to let me know just how he feels about me. Some days his compliments were so loud and clear that it was as if God himself were sitting on my shoulder. He would call me his Wildflower, Beloved, My dear, Beautiful One, Little One, Darling, and then the one that was always hard for me to hear- My Daughter.
I began to look at myself differently. I wasn’t out of shape, fat, ugly, useless, flabby, or any of those other things that would always pop into my head. I was in fact a beautiful follower of God. I thought that because of this awesome compliment experience that I had been healed of my poor self-esteem and horrible self-image. Guess again. The first month of the race was Haiti and during that month, God began to open my eyes to the truth- I hated myself. I hated myself for every bad thing I’d ever done- everything I’d ever let someone else do to me. In my head, I was a disgusting vile wretch that deserved no love from any one.
This was hard.
I had to start from rock bottom. How does one do that? Good question. I have no idea if there’s a good way to process through the heart-wrenching pain that follows us or not…but I will tell you how I did managed.
To start, I needed to cry. I needed to cry about every time someone had used me, taken advantage of me, hurt me in a way that I never knew possible. Brick by horribly painful brick I had to tear down the walls that I had unknowingly built up around my heart. I never even knew I had walls and then all of a sudden there I was sobbing in my metal bunk bed for three or more hours about everything and nothing. Talk about a mood-dampener.
If it hadn’t been for two very loving Kenosis team members, I probably would’ve stayed in my bed for the next couple days reeling from the nightmarish memories that were swirling around in my head. I was completely removed from reality at that point. I didn’t know what to think, I didn’t know what to say, and I didn’t know what to pray.
My team members recommended that I open up about what I was dealing with and God let me know that it was the right step to take. I was not excited about telling my five team members plus a squad leader the highlight reel of every horrible thing that was haunting me…alas, it was time to be vulnerable.
I remember everyone gathering in a circle around me- all ready (as ready as someone can be for something like that) to hear me say whatever I needed to say. I sat there in front of them scribbling into my journal the most painful things I needed to admit to them. They waited patiently. The time finally came. I opened my mouth, the tears started to fall, and all eyes were on me. “Please, don’t look at me differently after hearing all of this…I’m still the same Vashti…just a little more broken now.” That was my disclaimer. There was no turning back.
Almost two and a half hours later, I had divulged 12 or more of the most shameful and painful things I’d ever experienced in my life. My team sat silently and looked from one person to the other. I couldn’t stand the silence and asked if anyone had questions. To my surprise, there was no jeering, no looks of disgust, no “boo”s, and no one told me that I’d have to leave the race and go home. There weren’t even any questions, but rather, there was encouragement.
My team mates posed helpful questions that made me wonder how I’d ever gotten wrapped up in all of my sin in the first place. What is a healthy relationship? Who do I think I am? Who does God know me to be? How can I fight for my purity and myself? Where do I find my value and my identity? The girls spoke in tender voices and there was nothing but love and acceptance pouring out of their eyes. I was so taken aback. These women love me and want to help me through this…whatever “this” is. I didn’t understand it but it felt so good to be welcomed in even with my sin.
God gave me the ladies on team Kenosis for a reason. Through healthy community and the constant love of my dearly beloved God, I have learned to accept myself, past, present, and future as one beautiful person. Now, when God compliments me, He calls me Beautiful, he calls out to me and says “My daughter, you are mine.” And he means it. He claims me. He claimed me in the midst of my sin and he claims me now. He is unashamed of me and will always go to battle for my sake.
Who can ask for a love better than that? He whispers to me at least twice a day “I Am With You.” And I know he means it. Push into God. He desperately wants you to come home. Run to him- whether you are the prodigal son or the one that never left his side. God always has something new for us to learn.
That night (9.21.14), my squad leader, Amanda, gave me Hosea 2.19-20 to read over myself.
“19- I will betroth you to me forever, I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. 20- I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the Lord.”
Rest in this truth, everyone. You mean more than the world to God.
Until next functional Internet Café computer,
– Vashti W.
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