Can I share a secret with you?
I’ve written the beginning to five separate blog entries- just the beginning and the middle. For all five entries I find myself incapable of creating an end. It’s seemingly impossible for me to “wrap it up” – I’ve even saved all five end-less entries on my laptop and given up on them. There’s something about “The End” that simply puts me off. Taking into consideration the way my life has gone so far, most people would assume that I would welcome “the end” – what with my family moving around for the majority of my life (and even when we finally settled down, my school district split and I was forced to switch schools once more). The truth of the matter is that I despise endings. I recognize that in the majority of scenarios they are necessary for transitioning between one segment of a person’s life to the next and yet, my heart truth remains the same: I am horrible at handling or accepting the fact that one day, I will have an end.
Stories end, jobs end, friendships end, living arrangements change, good looks fade, technology continues to advance, mysteries unravel, the truth eventually surfaces…everything eventually comes to some sort of a resolve or an end – it is the way of the world – it is the natural progression of things. Yet, I am incapable of entertaining this simple truth: Someday my own life will end.
The first time I attempted to wrap my head around the concept of eternity, I was in high school and I nearly had a panic attack. In a very real way, I’m stuck. I’m terrified of dying, and yet, I’m terrified of living forever. According to the Christian faith (for those of you late to the party, I’m a Christian and this is what I believe), when I die, I will go to Heaven where I will spend eternity with God and every other Christian who believes in Jesus and has accepted Him as their Lord and Savior. There has been one moment in my life when I have been comfortable with and excited for spending eternity in Heaven with God (and it only lasted for a night). So what is it then that disturbs me so deeply about both dying and eternity?
Spoiler alert: I still don’t know for sure but thanks to a dear friend of mine, I have an idea. Ever since I made my first intelligible noise, I have been asserting myself as a do-it-yourselfer who “don’t need no help from nobody!” Simply translated – I like to do everything by myself and without the help of those who are willing. It is quite difficult for me to accept a helping hand – not because I’m rude or snobby…more so because in growing up I learned that “if you want something done right, do it yourself”. I also like to prove to others that I am capable of handling whatever is thrown in my path.
I don’t know why I feel such a deep desire to constantly prove myself or to try to be the best or to always be the one getting the most done…but I do know that it makes for a very stressful life. Actually whilst writing this, it has occurred to me that this probably stems from my growing up in such a large family (mom, dad, six siblings). In my family, if I wasn’t doing something notable (bad or good) then I wasn’t getting attention…and I admit, I love attention.
All of that aside, it’s important to keep in mind that I have a servant’s heart and that it pleases me to help others in any way I can. I legitimately enjoy serving people and helping those who are typically ignored and written off as unimportant or worthless. I am also competitive and a very driven person – I have goals, I have expectations for myself and others, and most importantly, I have a warrior’s spirit. I feel drawn to help (or even rescue) people I’ve never met before – I dream of sweeping in at the last second and saving the day. I see myself as Hercules more than I see myself as the damsel in distress. I’ve always taken it upon myself to defend the defenseless and to stand up for those who can’t – it’s my spirit’s motto to never back down and never quit. I have a fire inside me that pushes me to be the best in everything – even things I’ve never tried!
So you can imagine the moment I figured out that God was calling me to be a missionary, my sights got set on just that. My focus became reaching as many people as possible. Personally, this is a dangerous goal to have. I’ll never be able to reach as many people as I would like to because quite simply, one day I will die. I’ve unintentionally taken on the problems of the world and the responsibility of reaching everyone with the gospel. Thus, the fact that my life will end becomes a huge problem. Often times, I ask God “Who will ‘go’ if not me,” “If I’m not making it happen, how will it get done,” “If I’m dead, who will save everyone,” “Who will tell them the truth??” As I find myself slipping into this downward spiral of worry and doubt, I always hear that still small voice in my head saying, “someone else.”
Who is that someone else? That would be God- Matthew 11:28-30 “(28)’Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. (29)Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. (30)For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.'”
The fact that I am not always going to be the one saving the day is the last thing I want to hear from God. I don’t want to let go of the project. I want to be the hero on the front lines saving everyone all the time. The truth of the matter is that I cannot do that – it’s inhuman and impossible. I mentioned a dear friend of mine earlier – he’s the one that helped me come to the following conclusion. He, as many others have before him, informed me that it’s not my place to save everyone. In fact, the people I have had the opportunity to bring to Christ don’t even count as people I have “saved”. It’s not me doing the saving – it always will be and always has been God. I, in my twisted way of thinking, thought I could do a better job running my life than God could.
This is a problem for me. I frequently try to “do life” by myself and only reach out to God when I can’t take it anymore. My approach is opposite of what God calls for. God should be at the front of my life- not just holding the map, but driving the car and calling the shots. For how can I follow if I’m constantly trying to drag God wherever it is that I think he’s pointing?
I can’t. The simple answer is this: I am not the hero in my life story. God is the hero.
Although God uses me to help others, to be a servant and to bring people to Christ, it is not up to me to make all of that happen. The weight of the world is not on my shoulders – it is not my responsibility to save everyone. That can only be done by God.
Now this blog is not about giving up on anyone or backing down from my calling. It’s about me recognizing that without God, I am nothing but through him I can do anything. To be honest, I am weak and incapable of changing the world by myself. I’m a sinner that can hardly think straight. I get lost, confused, angry, stressed out, and tongue-tied. I can’t even get my blog posted every week! I am not necessarily “missionary material” and yet, God has called me anyway.
In church on Sunday, the worship band sang one of my favorite songs. The lines that get me are the following: “I may be weak but his spirits strong in me. My flesh may fail but my God you never will.” I fail on a daily basis but because of God, I have the opportunity to get back up and get back at it. Another song comes to mind: “So I’ll stand with arms high and heart abandoned; in awe of the One who gave it all. I’ll stand, my soul, Lord, to you surrendered. All I am is yours. Jesus, all I am is yours.”
Even though I’m still wrestling with the idea of my end and God’s eternity, I can’t help but be comforted by one of my favorite verses:
“If we live, we live for the Lord. If we die, we die for the Lord. So whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.” – Romans 14:8
Everything is under God’s control – not mine. It’s past time I accepted the truth and let Him handle what I never could or would be able to: the world and all of the problems that go along with it. The World Race is many things to me but most recently, it’s about me signing off and letting God finally take the reins.
…The End…for now.
