I’m really missing family right now. Everybody is running out for the day to do all kinds of awesome adventures & I’ve opted to stay in. I’ve got a one-on-one with one of J-Squad’s stand-in parents, Mary Ellen, at 1:30 which leaves me with just enough time to go out but not enough time to come back & be ready to talk. So I’m sitting in the common room pretty much alone with everybody excited & running out the door. I don’t know why but this makes me all emotional.
I think I’m more of an introvert than I thought. I get excited when I get alone time & sometimes the thought of being with people kinda makes me anxious & stressed out. I really miss being able to just walk off & do my own thing. I’ve been making some really good close friends that I feel comfortable around but I don’t want to be in a place where I just spend time with them. I appreciate so many of the people here on J-Squad. I wish I had more profound things to say to them- I struggle with struggling. Sometimes I feel like I’m not interesting enough to be mixed in with other people & other days I just don’t feel like branching out.
Last night I led/facilitated worship for all of J-Squad. I didn’t sing or anything. I just did the talking. Mary Ellen said I did a wonderful job. I realized I’m terrified of leadership positions.
I don’t like it when people look to me for a plan. It’s so much easier to follow unhappily than it is to sit down, make a plan, & be the one people depend on. I hate letting people down & I feel like I don’t know enough about anything to lead a group of people. I don’t want to step into leadership roles because I don’t want the spot light to be on me. If I stay in the shadows then I never have to fail. But I guess I’m honestly failing myself when I do that. I let laziness get the best of me & I end up holding myself back. Yikes. I should go to God about all this. I’m in such an odd place of unrest right now. I feel like I need to just go to sleep but at the same time all I want to do is go outside & explore the world- anything to get my mind off of my unsatisfaction.
I hate to admit this, but I’m so glad that God asked me to give up alcohol for the race because I would’ve been abusing it this whole time.
Every time I get to a place of unrest or if I feel unsatisfied, I get the urge to go get a drink. What the heck? Not only do I not want to become that kind of person, I don’t want to spend all that money!
By removing my option to drink when I’m upset, God has put me in a place where I have to deal with my emotions. I have to find out where they’re coming from or else I can’t get them to go away. It’s hard stuff living day to day with issues you don’t want to deal with. It’s making me realize how many problems I have & how hopeless my life is without God. Take away God from the picture & I’m quite a loser. I’ve lost friends, I’ve lost my self respect, I’ve lost jobs, I’ve lost boyfriends & a fiancée, I’ve lost homes, I’ve lost titles & honor, I’ve lost my purpose & meaning in life, & lastly, I’ve lost myself.
….if you think about it & when I dwell on it, those are enough reasons to lose my sanity also. Back home & before all of the healing God has been helping me through, I would’ve ignored all that, found something to drink, & went on my not-so-merry way. On the race & thanks to my promise to not drink, I can’t do that.
It’s so hard to deal with all of this pain. I thought that surely, by now, I would be over all this stuff…but if I’m honest with myself, I have to admit that I’m not.
I still struggle with feelings of rejection, unworthiness, negative self-image, & a self-inflicted & self-deprecating pressure to be better than everyone else in every way. Wow. Where did all of this come from? Back home I spent all my time running from these problems by filling my days with friends, activities, food, drink, tv, movies, etc- anything to take my mind off of the fact that I had serious issues. I can’t do that here on the race. I have to sit here & either dwell miserably in all my problems & painful memories, or I can go to God (broken as I am) & ask for help.
Admitting to people that I have problems is hard enough. Admitting to God that I’m imperfect & incapable of handling the one thing he’s entrusted to me, my life, is nearly impossible. What is it that keeps me from freely going to God about my issues? I’d like to say it’s pride because that seems a lot easier to overcome than what it really is. I struggle with the opposite of pride. Still, 3 months after realizing my deepest problem, I STILL struggle daily with unworthiness.
Last night one of J-Squad’s squad leaders, Austin, gave a talk on Identity in Christ. He explained that our identity is like a man’s 3 piece fancy suit. Have a little grace in these upcoming analogies…I don’t know much about suits.
God has the absolute best clothing tailor-made for me. He knows my dimensions, he knows my favorite style & color, he knows what will look the best on & fit the best with my body. He has the perfect hand-crafted suit just for me. So often though when I am presented with this perfect suit, I turn up my nose to it & prefer to wear my old jeans, a torn up hoodie, & some flip-flops. Why do I do this? Simple. I choose my beaten up old clothes because they are what I’m used to wearing & they are more comfortable for me. I look like a hot mess but I don’t care because I’m comfortable.
Austin went on to explain that these old pieces of clothing represent lies that we’ve accepted about ourselves. We might not be happy in our old clothes but we’ve grown to love them & hold them dear to our hearts not because they look good on us but because that’s what we’re used to.
In order to put on the suit God has presented to me, I’d have to take off the things I know. I’d have to try something new. I’d have to be uncomfortable again. I’ve spent a lot of my life being uncomfortable & it’s very hard for me to step into that state of being willingly. I don’t want to put myself out there. I don’t want to risk anything anymore. I just want to be happy.
But you know what? God did not create me thinking, “You know what I want for this one? I just want her to be happy in life. I want her to play it safe & I want her to stay in the same place & never take a risk. I want her to keep to herself & never challenge anyone. I don’t want her to learn anything & I certainly don’t want her to make any memories worth keeping. I want an easy, meaningless, & simple life for her.”
Absolutely not. In fact, my soul ached as I typed that out. God created me for so much more. He created me to learn, to risk, to challenge myself & those around me, he created me to lead, he created me to love, he created me to go as far as I can & then push myself a little further. He gave me a life & I refuse to do anything other than live it to the fullest. I’ve gotten filthy in the process, I’ve fallen countless times, I’ve even taken people down with me but that DOES NOT MEAN THAT I HAVE TO STAY DOWN. If anything at all, it gives me even more of a reason to get back up- to wipe off the dirt, clean off the blood, get the rest I need to heal, & actually get back on the trail.
I am young- not just in years but at heart. I have so much life ahead of me. It would be such a waste to give up now. So even though putting on a suit doesn’t seem ideal now, I know that it’s best. If God has given it to me, I know I must take it.
The other point Austin made is that often times, we accept part of the suit but refuse the rest. Yes, I’ll accept that I’m loved. Yes, I’ll accept that I’m forgiven. Yes, I’ll accept that I’m special. But no, I will not accept that I’m worthy & that God will always want me. No thanks, I think I’ll keep the flip flops on.
We trick ourselves into thinking that it’s okay to wear bits & pieces of the suit. Let me tell you this- it’s not. Why? Because once you’ve swapped out the leather shoes for the flip flops, that hoodie will start to look a lot better than the waist-coat you’ve got on. If we are going to wear the suit, we’ve got to put the full thing on & keep it on.
This has been my struggle recently. I’ve gotten a lot better at accepting certain parts of the suit but I have yet to put the full thing on. Why is that? Answer: because it’s pretty dang hard to get all dressed up in a fancy suit that I don’t even like if I’ve never put one on before. I need help. I need help from somebody who knows how to put on a suit. I need the guy that knows everything about suits & how they’re supposed to fit & how they’re supposed to look when they’re on. I need the tailor that made my suit & knows how to put it on me. I need God.
So here I sit, alone in a big chair in a big room in a big hostel in a big city called Quito, Ecuador. I feel small, I feel out of place, I feel awkward & like I don’t belong. I feel like I should be doing something, I feel like I should be working a job or helping an orphan somewhere. But as I sit here holding back tears & praying, God has opened my eyes to a different scene.
He paints the picture for me like this: in actuality, I’m really just standing in a dressing room looking at myself in the mirror. I’m wearing a suit that makes me feel itchy. I look in the mirror & I don’t recognize that beautiful person staring back. Could that really be me? I walk out of the dressing room & down the hallway to the waiting area to ask the people who came with me how I look. They “ooh” & “aww” they smile & applaud the maker of the suit. My tailor is standing in the corner against the wall smiling & nodding in approval.
Everyone in the room loves this new suit. Everyone but me. I feel good inside. I know the suit was made for me, it fits every inch of me perfectly, I can move freely in it, & I feel clean & put together. I didn’t have to pay for my suit- it’s a gift from the tailor himself.
As everyone finishes clapping & encouraging me to keep my new clothes I walk back to my dressing room. I shut the door behind me & look once more in the mirror- I do a slow spin & inspect every detail of the suit. I look good. I make eye contact with myself & rest my hand on the mirror. I’m thinking a million things at once. I turn my head to look at my pile of old, worn, & dirty clothes in the corner. I want to put them back on but for the first time ever, they just don’t look like my clothes anymore.
The tailor knocks on my changing room door & my heart races. He wants to know how I’m doing, “how’s it going in there?” He prods. My face gets red as I hurry to reply, “I don’t know if I like it,” I lie. There’s silence behind the door & I bite my lip as I stand there regretting my lie. I do like this suit. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted. For the first time ever I look & feel good about what I have on. I want to keep this suit more than anything else.
As I start to sweat the tailor speaks up, “I spent a lot of time making that suit for you. Even if you don’t take it today, I’ll keep it safe for you here. You can come back anytime & I’ll have it ready for you. Put on your old clothes if you’d like but I must admit I’ve never seen a better match in my life.” I can hear his footsteps as he walks away. I grab my old clothes and start to cry- they feel so grungy now in my hands. The hoodie has holes & there’s visible dirt all over my old & faded jeans. The flip flops are a couple wears away from breaking & all I can do is stand there & feel sick. These old clothes are all I’ve ever known….
10 minutes later, I walk out of my dressing room. I’ve got tears streaming down my face, I feel weird, I feel like I don’t belong, I wonder if I’ll regret my decision. As I round the corner & make my way back to my group of friends, I wonder if I should turn back & change clothes…I stand there in the hallway between my dressing room & the waiting area stalling for the last time. I make up my mind, I head for the waiting area, & walk into the light where everyone can see me.
The moment everyone’s eyes are on me I smile. I made a hard decision & as I stand there in front of everyone, I find myself thinking something I never thought I’d think before, “boy, does it feel good to be in a suit.”
God has a suit for you too. He has a suit for everyone that fits them perfectly and looks better on them than anything else. I can testify to the fact that it’s ridiculously difficult to walk away from a negative past. It’s hard to let go of who you used to be even if it was someone you hated being.
Don’t get down on yourself if you walk out of the store without your suit. God will hold onto it for as long as you need. You can go back & try it on as many times as you need. Just know that you don’t have to wear your old clothes anymore. I encourage you to make the change. Shed those old lies that you’ve been wearing for too long. Let them go & allow God to dress you in the beautiful truths that he has for you. I promise you that once you learn how to wear them you’ll never feel better.
Until next time,
~ Vashti W.
Update: I’m still about $900 away from my deadline that was supposed to be met December 1st. If you’re able to & would like to, you can donate to me online through my blog here- just click “support me!” And follow the directions. I would greatly appreciate it! Thank you! I know this race isn’t over for me yet. I have so much more to learn & so much more room to grow. All of my love, everyone. =o) bye!
