Since I had heard about the World Race I felt called towards it. I knew I had something to bring and to share while on this race. But my insecurities transformed into feelings of inadequecy and prevented me from really engaging into the World-Race project. When I realized, against all odds that I had made it to the 10 000$USD deadline (that’s 13 588 $CAD) it became real, this was a confirmation for me.
I am scared. I bluntly admit it. Scared of what, you’ll ask me ? Isn’t the world Race like a dream coming true for a traveler at heart like you, aren’t you all about adventure, new cultures and weird awesome food ? YES but…
Training camp showed me that to be successful on the Race I’ll need to let go of comfort. Physical/emotional/spiritual comfort and comfort zones all at once. When the race seemed far away and I romanticized the whole (traveling the world with a tent on my back for a year thing) I did not realize just how challenging this would be.
I thought I was not that (hooked) on comfort. I liked to believe, ho I’m so hippie, and be full of myself about it, like look at me I eat organic and I love wearing feathered headbands. Until I went to training camp and cried after just one night of (no sleeping) outside. I realized, I am not a hippie and I have a hard time with nature : me screaming and almost destroying my tent in the middle of the night because of a baby spider. Yes I laugh about it right now, now that I’m in my comfy, clean bed, with the heat on, and my lap-top on my knees and no spiders in sight.
I thought I was ready for training camp, I really did! Wrong. I bought a 30 degree Fahrenheit sleeping bag. I do not know what Fahrenheit’s are (Celsius girl here) so I prayed it would be a good choice, and I only brought shorts, tees and one pair of socks cause Atlanta is southern, it’s HOTlanta isn’t it ? Well I froze like never in my life before, trembling myself to sleep and I’m from Canada so I’m not saying this lightly. Ho and mummy sleeping-bags aren’t comfy if you like to kick your legs around like me at night (yes I am single) haha.
When I took my weekly ice-cold bucket shower, I realized I forgot my towel so I dried up with my sock, which then fell in the water bucket. Maybe due to the fact that my hands were numb from being cold. I am so sorry to the other female squad mates who had to witness anything unwanted through the non-closing, too small shower curtains that day, did not mean to traumatize anyone.
After finally being dryish I wore my one pair of socks when we slept on a tarp in the woods one night. I was reaching insane levels of hypothermia (maybe exaggerating a little here) when I realized I needed to go to the bathroom, which was a good 6-7 minutes walk away. It was 3am, the night was pitch dark and I started imagining myslef in a horror movie. I was scared so I decided to pee behind a tree next to our camp. Well, in a hurry, I did not aim right and peed all over myself, my socks and pants were soaked (with pee) and I had to go back to my sleeping bag, so I also soaked my sleeping bag and smelled of pee the whole week. The shame talk came it in pretty handy in regards to that event.
I thought I was so smart for being savy with that 30 $ tent I bought, but it ripped the first day I put it up and the rainfly did not fit the tent so all the wetness from outside would come in at night along with creepy crawlies and my hair honestly did not dry for a week, who knows what was in there by the end.
Then, to add up to all the physical discomfort my tiredness led to a tonsillitis. I was hurting, exhausted, I had fever but yet we had to wake up before dawn, pack up our bags, tents, everything and then run or exercise. Also, our lovely bathrooms, porta potties, were filled to a point where the poop pile was higher than the toilet seat, just saying.
All of those are physical discomfort situations, yes they were hard but they were nothing compared to the emotional stretch we went through. There was no way out or around being REAL. You know this facade you put up at a work meeting, this smile you fake to a colleague on a hard day, this (HI how are you) you say without waiting for a response, those were not options when you sit in a circle with strangers, hunger in your belly, lacking caffeine, exhausted, dirty, muscles hurting, dreads forming in your hair, dark circles around your eyes, stinky feet and clothes, and you are asked to share your deepest hurts.
Training camp was the GREATEST emotional and spiritual training I have ever been through. I have learned the sens of the word vulnerability. I have been truly vulnerable for probably the first time in my life.
This was not about keeping up with any sort of appearance, performance level or how educated/funny/cute/nice my story sounded. I was simply not able, at this point, to be self counscious. So I word-vomited about the darkest places I had been in my life and it felt good, it felt pure and it was ugly, but in a way, beautiful. It was about healing and reconciliation with myself and with my father, it was about growing closer to him.
Moral of the story: Discomfort is a place I fear but it makes me grow.
If I am honnest, which is what this blog is about, I have so many fears that are comfort-based. I am scared of :
+Sleep deprivation.
+Motion sickness.
+Getting malaria, dengue, chikungunya, Japanese encephalitis, rabies, Ebola…
+Gaining weight.
+Extreme heat
+Intense, 24/7, community.
+Not having enough alone time and going insane.
+Not getting along with my team.
+Not being good enough or strong enough for our ministries.
+The strict rules of our hosts and AIM.
+Get in an accident, Get robbed, get abused and other safety issues.
+Feeling left out or rejected by my team.
+Feeling left out or rejected by my atheist friends and family back home.
+I’m afraid of my own anxiety… yes as crazy as it sounds.
+Spiders, centipedes and all things crawling. All I will say is tent + African bush.
+Being vulnerable and getting all my flaws out in the open.
+ PRECHING! That may be my biggest apprehension about the World Race. I am a new believer and my feeling of inadequacy in this area is pretty strong.
+Public speaking. Especially in English.
+Having enough self confidence.
+Facing and dealing with my negative emotions.
Whenever I feel like I am not enough for the World Race, that I am not ready, that I cannot possibly have been called for such an important mission I remind myself of this passage:
Moses said to the Lord, “Oh, my Lord, I am not eloquent, either in the past or since you have spoken to your servant, but I am slow of speech and of tongue.” Then the Lord said to him, “Who has made man’s mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now therefore go, and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you shall speak (Exodus 4:10-12).”
Suddenly, I feel ready, I feel enough, I feel free from my worries because he’s got this, the only thing that’s on me is to let him take the lead. He makes me strong … even with only one pair of wet socks.
“The reality is that the Lord never calls the qualified; He qualifies the called.” Henry T. Blackaby
