I’ll be honest…
The last five months of my life have been one giant paradox.
Hence the title “Sweetly Broken”.
I’ve been more broken than ever.
Painful and difficult.
Yet so sweet and beautiful.
I’ve laughed harder than ever.
Sometimes for no reason at all.
I’ve cried harder than ever.
Sometimes for no reason at all.
I’ve never been more hungry for the Lord.
Starving. Famished. Parched.
Yet, He’s feeding me more than He ever has.
The Bread of Life and Living Water speaking constantly.
I’ve avoided blogging because I’ve had nooo idea how to make sense of my heart and mind in this season, let alone attempt to communicate it to anyone else.
But, it’s time! I want to be real. Genuine. Authentic about the journey.
Which sometimes requires this recovering perfectionist to sit down and word vomit.
On you.
The unorganized, messy overflow of my heart.
You’re welcome. ;-P
This will probably take a few blogs to hash out, so hang in there.
I’m actually quite confident that our individual walks are oftentimes freakishly similar.
So I pray these next few blogs encourage you in some way.
Here goes!
***************************
My Post-Race plans:
*Rest*
*Process the past year*
*Be loved on by people*
(I spend my life loving on others, and honestly, I was just tired)
*Have FUN!*
(For me, squad leading amidst my own brokenness was a heavy weight to carry, so letting loose and having fun…those times were few and far between)
*Hang out at Wind River Ranch until May*
*Possibly work for Adventures in Missions during the summer*
What actually happened Post-Race:
*Zero rest*
*Zero processing the past year*
(because He was speaking so much in the present, it was hard to go back to the past)
*A little heartbroken, therefore loved on by GOD. Loved well by people. Still spending life loving others.*
*FUN…absolutely…thank you Jesus! Glad we were on the same page here. 🙂*
*Hung out at Wind River Ranch…and am staying… 🙂*
More Unexpecteds:
Park Fellowship Church
Small. Hardly any people my age. Music…meh.
Pretty charismaticy at times.
(Ya know, the dancing woman that yells “Freedom”…the loud tamborine lady…the random visitor man that yells in tongues..ha)
But HOME for me.
The presence of God hovers over that place like I’ve never seen.
The Pastor, James Carnell, delivers FRESH (not stale from yesterday) bread from heaven. Powerfully confirming everything the Lord speaks to me in my own intimate time with Him.
I walk out of that place changed every time.
I walk out full, feeling like I just feasted on the Lord.
Thank you Jesus.
Facing Irrational Fears
Babies
True story. 🙂
I realized when I returned that I had somewhat of a fear of babies…well, kids two and under more or less.
The root?
I’m basically an only child, never much exposure to little ones. So, talk about feeling inadequate and fully out of my comfort zone. I’m a woman. Women are supposed to naturally be good with babies. And I don’t have the first clue. Fail!
They cry…who knows why, but I’m sure I’d take it personally. haha Sometimes you’re lucky and able to make them laugh. How? I have no idea. What do they eat? What if they choke? They seem so fragile.
And diapers….ew.
So, I decided to face them. Those scary creatures. haha
I babysat. A lot. Changed diapers…
(the first poopy one was pretty humerous…lots of dry heaving. I probably gave sweet Wren a complex by accident.).
Cooked. (don’t really know how to cook either…haha)
Fed. Put to bed. Entertained. Everything.
Am I the most qualified to babysit your kids at this point? No way.
Still learning. But I realized something….it’s ok to be a 28-year old woman who doesn’t know the first thing about babies…that doesn’t make me less of a woman.
It just means I have to play a little catch-up. 🙂
And the other realization: I really like babies after all. 🙂
Heights
(case in point)
Still.
No matter how many times I bungee jump, rock climb, climb trees or work on roofs.
I still freeze. Paralyzed. Sometimes only four feet off the ground. ha
So, I signed up for an adventure race. Where you have to climb over 12-ft walls and stuff. Scares me to death. But I know I can physically do it. So I’m facing it.
Dancing
(see video below for a taste)
Love it by myself, when no one’s watching.
Love it in a large groups when I don’t stand out.
But, let’s just say I’m in a dance competition.
Mortifying.
I’d probably curl up in the fetal position and start
sucking my thumb or something. haha
Soo…..I’ve woken up many mornings and started
dancing. When I’ve been at parties where they’re dancing, I dance.
When I feel like dancing, I make myself dance, regardless of who is
around.
From observing, I’ve
realized that maybe 3% of people who dance actually look really cool doing it.
The rest of us look ridiculous. And that’s ok. 🙂
Singing
This one’s in process. But it’s still
moving forward, at snail speed. 🙂 Sang one morning during worship at Searchlight, a Kingdom Dreams conference. I’ve written more songs…sang them for a couple people.
moving forward, at snail speed. 🙂 Sang one morning during worship at Searchlight, a Kingdom Dreams conference. I’ve written more songs…sang them for a couple people.
I’d love to begin singing at church at some
point.
We shall see…baby steps. 🙂
THREE BIG THINGS ABOUT THE FUTURE…
Coming
next. 🙂
