January: Dominican Republic: FEARING
This month I had a hard time just being me.
I was pretty much controlled by fear.
Fear of failure,
fear of rejection,
fear of making the wrong decision,
fear of being misunderstood,
fear of authority, etc.
This month rocked my world.
Finally broke through fear and chose faith instead.
But on the other side of that obstacle, loving discipline
from a loving Father was waiting.
God began to do an awful lot of pruning (Jn. 15:2), shedding
His light on all that wasn’t honoring to Him in my life and heart.
I was broken, and it was painful.
I began to focus on my sin, taking my eyes off of the Author
and Perfector of my faith and turning them toward myself instead.
At the end of the month, God brought to mind a quote from
one of my first blogs..
“Faith is occupied with the Object upon which it rests and pays
no attention to itself at all.
While we are looking at God we do not see ourselves–blessed riddance;
The man who has struggled to purify
himself and has had nothing but repeated failures will experience real relief
when he stops tinkering with his soul and looks away to the perfect
One.
While he looks at Christ, the very things he has
so long been trying to do will be getting done within him.
It will be God working in him to will and to
do….
Faith looks out instead of in and the whole life falls into
line.”
-A.W.
Tozer-
I was reminded to seek Him. That’s all.
Trusting that everything else would take care of itself.
March: Peru: SEEKING
At the very beginning of the month, I told the
Lord I’d be cool with him removing me from leadership.
So I could finally just “be”.
Without any responsibilities.
Carefree.
Joyful.
I realized that, for the last few years, I had
allowed “leading” to steal my joy, thanks to pressure I put on myself.
I was ready to be done.
His response?
“I’m not going to remove you from your calling
so that you can be joyful.
I’m going to teach you to be joyful in your
calling.”
Ok, Lord.
How?
“Cease striving and know that I am God.” (ps.
46:10)
He took me back to February’s lesson: Just. Seek. Me. (Matt. 6:33)
I realized I didn’t have to strive to lead
well.
In fact..it was just the opposite: In order to
lead well, I actually had to cease striving.
And just let God be God.
He had already placed everything I needed to
lead within me: His Spirit.
My job was just to 1. Seek Him, 2. Listen, 3.
Obey.
He completely lifted the burden and pressure
of leading off of my shoulders and put them on His own. (Ps. 81:6)
This month was spent watching the sunrise each
morning,
Seeking His face.
Listening for His voice.
And obeying.
(Isaiah 50:4-5)
I was joyful.
I was carefree.
Because I was constantly seeking Him.
I was constantly in His presence.
(ps. 16:11)
My prayer was as that of Moses…
“Lord, show me Your glory!” (Ex. 33:18)...
I desired to come away from this month having
been so intimate with the Lord that my face would radiate with His glory.
At the end of the month, I was asked to move
up to Squad Leader.
…And immediately, I resorted back to Moses’
other side…
“Who am I, that I should go to Pharaoh, and
that I should bring the sons of Israel out of Egypt?” (Ex. 3:11)
“What if they will not believe me or listen to
what I say?” (Ex. 4:1)
“Please, Lord, I have never been eloquent,
neither recently nor in time past, nor since You have spoken to Your servant;
for I am slow of speech and slow of tongue.” (Ex. 4:10)
“Behold, I am unskilled in speech; how then
will Pharaoh listen to me?” (Ex. 6:30)
Why me, Lord?
I’m so not qualified.
That coat is WAY too big for me to fit
into.
I can’t.
You must’ve made a mistake.
“You did not choose Me but I chose you, and appointed
you that you would go and bear fruit.” (Jn. 15:16a)
“Walk in your chosenness.”
April: Honduras/Nicaragua: WALKING
I walked through a lot within the first few
days of the month…
Mourning the loss of my team.
Letting go of the expectations I had for the
Race.
Releasing my own desires and passions back to
the Giver of them all.
And now…
I’m walking in my chosenness.
Walking in my calling. (Eph. 2:10)
Walking in love. (Eph. 5:2)
Walking in wisdom. (Eph. 5:15-16)
Walking by faith. (2 Cor. 5:7)
Walking in life. (Rom. 6:4)
Walking in the light. (1 Jn. 1:7)
Walking as Jesus did. (1 Jn. 1:5-6)
Walking with God. (Gen. 5:24)
Walking by the Spirit. (Gal. 5:16)
The Lord literally told me that last one in
the beginning of the month…
“Every day, lay down your own to-do
list/agenda and walk by My Spirit.”
(funny that I lost my alarm somewhere around
that time….hm…. J)
So, I’ve been refraining from my
daily/nightly/hourly post-its and have just been following His leading every
moment instead.
Waking up each morning with zero expectations.
It’s back to seeking, listening and obeying.
Walking…
Allowing His Spirit guide my every step.
Here’s a funny “coincidence” that has to do
with that…
Check out my blog from November of last
year…two months before leaving for the race (don’t worry, it’s super
short): The Feaf & The Bowl
I wore The Bowl (Focus out instead of in) from
January until the end of March, when it broke…
I then had to switch to The Feaf (Rely on the
Spirit’s guidance) at the beginning of this month.
I knew the necklaces would be good reminders
for me.
But I had no idea that God had hand-picked
each necklace for such specific seasons.
To stay on that theme, the other two squad
leaders (Tiffany Johnson and Jeremiah Jackson) and I decided to come up
with our own team name…
Ru’ach
Hebrew for Wind of Heaven…
Breath of Life…
Spirit of God.
“He makes the winds His messengers…” (Ps.
104:4a)
Our prayer is that of Moses once again…
“If
Your presence does not go with us, do not lead us up from here.” (Ex. 33:15)
We want to be 100% guided by the Spirit of God; we want to be His messengers, the Wind of Heaven that fans the flames of V Squad.
