The last few years has been some journey for me. I am coming up on three years of walking in grace. In this time God has broken me down, stripped me of everything, and thrown me in the fire. I can't say that it was always a fun ride.
When I first dedicated my life back to Christ, I began to pray that God would make me whole. To be honest I really didn't know what that even meant. It just seemed like a church thing to pray so I went with it. Through these prayers God began to open my eyes to the things in my life that I had never really seen before. I was a sad and lonely person. I walked around so angry all the time. I tried to drown my emotions through parties and drinking along with other things of the world. I tried to find my happiness in women, money, friends, anything i could. I was in a mindset that happiness came from the people and things around you. How little did I know.
I didn't have the easiest life growing up. I had self-esteem issues, never had a lot a friends. we moved so many times in my younger years that I stopped even trying for years. I didn't grow up in a real close family, we never really got along. Through all things and a lack of truly knowing God in my life, I developed a hatred towards myself. I didn't like anything about me. I was picked on and bullied in school. I felt so trapped and alone inside. Suicide was a familiar thought for many years.
Three years ago I was drunk and broke when my life took a dramatic turn. A family that I had spent the better part of teen years around invited me to church with them. I had even stepped inside a church for several years, now they got sitting in a Sunday service still drunk from the night before. To say i was uncomfortable would be an understatement. And to my surprise this also happened to be a revival. I think I might have been set up.
It was that night God called me to a divine appointment. Flipped my world upside down and turned me inside out. Looking back at all God has done in my life since that night tears began to fill my eyes. Every day I wake up and I pray that never stops working on me. I'm a project that's for sure. Sometimes I'm my worst enemy. I look at myself at times with doubt. I have to fight feelings of shame and regret of past mistakes. This is my Goliath. But we all know what happened to him.
