I didn't really have many expectations about the actual process of coming home from the Race.
Which is a good thing, because it was the most surreal experience.
Throughout our 14 hour flight from Dubai to New York, I alternated between excitement and eagerness to get home, and tears over leaving the squad. I was dreading the goodbyes. I fully expected to break down and cry as I hugged people, smearing tears and snot everywhere as people at baggage claim slowly inched away from the crazy, smelly people. I expected to skip around the airport, getting excited over seeing the American flag and hearing American accents again. Basically I expected to be a crazy, bipolar, emotional woman as I entered the country of my birth and exited this season of my life.
As our plane touched down, the whole squad sang our national anthem and God Bless America (much to the supreme delight of the flight attendants…not) and I felt so much excitement! I was home! In America! For the first time in almost a year! I got off the plane and immediately felt…distant. I've debarked from planes so often this year that it didn't feel any different. Just another country to go to. I walked through the now-familiar process of immigration (which actually was way easier than any other country) not feeling particularly enthused. We came out to baggage claim and began saying goodbyes.
And I didn't cry. At all. Granted, I'll see about half the squad in a few short days at Project Searchlight in Georgia, but I expected to feel more sadness than I did. It was just surreal to watch people walk off by themselves or in small groups, heading to their next gate or outside the airport to meet family. I felt sad, but it didn't translate to the torrent of tears I expected. As I walked around the airport looking for where I needed to check in, I felt so detached. I remember having an out-of-body experience at security as I checked in to my next flight. And then minutes later almost breaking down in tears because I was so overwhelmed to hear people with American accents speaking English. I spent the short flight to Raleigh zoning out while looking out the window.
Even seeing my family failed to break through the numbness I felt. I was excited to see them, especially all of my siblings, but I didn't cry or get overly emotional. I didn't even cry when I saw my dog. We immediately left to go the beach, and I looked out the window at my hometown, not really believing that all of this was real. It was so familiar that it was strange. All year I've embraced strangeness, and now that things were familiar, it threw me for a loop. By the time we stopped at dinner at Chick-fil-A, I was pretty out of it due to jet lag and the fact that I hadn't slept more than 18 of the previous 72 hours. I don't remember much (although I do remember enjoying my spicy chicken sandwich), although it sounds like I was pretty entertaining. I vaguely remember shuffling through Wal-Mart to buy some underwear, feeling overstimulated by the vastness of the store. I fell asleep in the car, and my dad almost had to carry me to bed later.
All this to say, my homecoming was nowhere near what I thought and envisioned it would be. I was and still am overwhelmed by the abruptness of the change. I'm overwhelmed to be back in familiar settings, with my blood family. I'm overwhelmed to have new clothes that smell good, food I haven't tasted in forever, and air conditioning. I'm overwhelmed by the fact that I woke up in a bed by myself, with no one from my U Squad family, but that when I walked out into the kitchen, my brothers were there. I'm overwhelmed by the fact that I have a cell phone again, and that I don't have to use an adapter to charge my electronics, or even share the outlet with 5 other people. I'm overwhelmed by all that God's done in my life this past year, and by the thought that He's totally changing my life now to do even more amazing things in and through me.
So Racers, don't feel bad if you're a World Race Zombie upon your return home. And don't feel bad if you're an emotional mess either. We all process things in our different ways. Just join me in clinging to the Lord during this time of transition. And parents, don't feel bad or upset if your Racer is totally zoned out. We just completed the most amazing year of our lives so far, and now we're facing a complete change of season. Just be patient with us as we begin to process. One day we'll wake up and be normal again. Maybe.
