I'm single.
For so long, I've resented that sentence. Ever since I was fifteen years old, I have felt that my ultimate calling is to be a wife and a mother. It's what I've longed for, hoped for, prayed for. I've always kept my eyes open for my future husband, hoping that every cute Christian guy I meet is "the one." I've had two different relationships, one lasting a month, and the other lasting seven months, both in college.
My one month relationship is one I look back on with regret. I was so eager to be in a relationship and feel those feelings and emotions that come along with it that I jumped into dating the first guy in college that expressed interest. It was wrong of me to lead him on in that way, because I knew from day one that he was not who I was looking for. I ended the relationship because I was reminded of that fact by my dad. It does pay to listen to your parents!
My other relationship was one that I've had trouble letting go of. During Training Camp, it's one of the seasons of my life that I had to grieve. I met my boyfriend through the church I attended and volunteered at during my time at ECU. He expressed interest and we began hanging out in groups, then we started going out on dates. I co-led a middle school girls small group and the puppet ministry with his mom, and spent a good deal of time with him and his family. We saw each other at least three or four days a week. I thought I was in love with him. We even talked about marriage after college. But there was a dark side to him. He was questioning a lot about his faith, and I was scared of his questions. My response was to ignore them and just comfort him physically. I made a commitment when I was fifteen to save sex until marriage, and while I held on to that commitment, it was hard. We definitely went further physically than we should have, and it's something that I still feel guilt over. I thank God that He gave me the strength to say no to sex, because it was a big temptation towards the end of the relationship. This guy ended our relationship after seven months, out of the blue one May night. I was absolutely crushed. For a long time, I spiraled into depression, grief, and bitterness. I struggled against the breakup, and was consumed with jealousy for a long time (even up until a month ago!) with all my friends who were in relationships, getting engaged, getting married, and having kids. It felt like lemon juice in an open wound to see everyone around me finding love and happiness, while I remained single and "alone."
While I thought I was "over" the breakup, I still struggled with bitterness and jealousy. I moved back to Raleigh for my internship, and stayed, since it's my hometown. I joined the singles' ministry at my church, as well as a group of young adults that hung out a lot. And I continued to chase after a relationship. All of my efforts failed. I constantly questioned why God was not giving me my calling, the calling I have felt since I was fifteen. If He called me to it, He should have been providing!
Then, I felt Him calling me to the World Race. When I got accepted to the Race, AIM wanted me to commit to the year of ministry by agreeing to not enter into a relationship from my acceptance date to the end of the Race. Wow. Another year of being single? A year of not pursuing what I really wanted? I agreed, because I knew it was what God was calling me to, but I struggled. I prayed for strength, while still hoping that I would meet my husband during the Race. After all, I'll be 26 in October. My biological clock is ticking!
Sometimes we need a swift kick in the pants from God. And He definitely provided that at Training Camp. One day, the women and the men were separated to do different training exercises. After the women finished our exercise, we were gathered together for a talk. If you ever get a chance to meet Holli Scott, do so! She is an amazing woman of God, and she is so wise. She spoke about how we as women are really big on fantasy. She cautioned us to guard our thoughts and not use our brothers in Christ as objects of our fantasy (i.e. he carries your pack for you through the airport, and in your mind, you start planning your wedding. Don't laugh too much…this actually occurs in women's minds sometimes). She reminded us that earthly men can never fulfill our fantasies. They can never provide all the emotional support we as women need and desire. They're wired differently and don't always understand our needs. Only Jesus can do that. I had heard variations of this talk countless times, but for some reason, it really resonated with me that day. God began working in my heart to truly grasp that I need to focus on Him first, not some guy, then God. He was breaking me of that desire. I remember during worship one of the nights, God spoke to me and asked me to surrender everything to Him. Oh, I was quick to agree. I started listing off things I was surrendering to Him. My family, my life in Raleigh, my job, my control. Then a question stopped me dead in my tracks. "Beloved, what about your husband? I want you to surrender him to Me"
"WHAT? God, I know You are everything to me. You are my Savior and my Lord. But God, You put this desire for marriage and a family in me…I know it! And now You're asking me to give it up? Turn it over to You? Surrender to the possibility of never being married, or waiting for more years before it happens?"
"Beloved, turn him over to Me. Trust Me in this, and I promise you, you will see My glory in this."
I actually had to pry my fingers open, my fists were clenched so tightly. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. But I did it. With God's strength, I did it. And He has been so sweet to me. He has been teaching me so much about His character, and I've been honestly and completely falling in love with Him. And then I found my squad leader Zach's blog. He wrote two blog posts about his future wife, and I'd like to share some of his words with you:
"God took away any attraction to any women I see. Like, no longer do I desire the outward appearance of women. Lust has no place in my heart any longer. Praise praise praise God. The reason? God told me about my wife. The one He has already chosen for me. The one He had chosen for me before I was even born. If He has chosen her for me than she is already mine. Right now. And I am hers. Right now. Does that not blow your mind? Do you know how much that solves? Single people. Hear me. God has someone chosen for you right now. In this moment. Set apart uniquely for you! You do not have to seek. You do not have to worry about waiting. He or she is yours. Now listen to this. If that is true. If they are already yours. If you are set apart for them and they for you. Then to spend any time pursuing or seeking another person is cheating. It is adultery. Whether you are with your future wife/husband or not. Whether you know who they are or you don't. It is cheating. If God has already chosen them to be yours for eternity than why waste time with someone else?"
He goes on to remind us that the entire reason for marriage is to be an example of Christ's relationship with the Church. He paints a picture of God and asks if God wants us to test out other gods and idols before coming to Him? Of course not! God desires to be our One and Only. He desires to be our Everything, because without Him, we are truly nothing. So why should we pursue our spouse in that way? Why do we feel the need to date around to try to find "the one?" This is what God has been teaching me. I need to focus solely on Him this year, and every year. And if He sees fit, He will bring my future husband to me. But our relationship will ultimately fail if it is built on what we have created. Only when Christ is the foundation can we build a strong marriage. And oh, that is what I want! More than that, though, I want to be so deeply in love with Christ that nothing else matters. If He wants me to be married, it will be His plan, not mine. And if that means that I will never be married, so be it. Daily I'm laying it down. Daily I have to reroute my thought process. It's a struggle, but it is so, so worth it.
