Ask anyone who knows me and they’ll tell you that I’m all about the details. God has gifted me not only with an eye for details, but a crazy memory that stores unimaginable amounts of details. I love details because they’re something small to focus on and easy to control. And who doesn’t like to be in control?
However.
Since signing up for the World Race, God has been teaching me about losing control. About giving up the control to Him so that He can work through me. Because whatever He can do through me is way better than whatever I can cook up by myself. And yes, He can be in the details, but this year has been all about relinquishing the details to Him and looking at the big picture for once. It’s been about growing and changing within myself so that God can shine through me. Pretty intimidating stuff for this detail-oriented control freak. But I’ve found such intense joy in giving it all up to God. Joy unimaginable has filled my days when I’ve relinquished all the control I thought I had to Him and let Him guide me.
But then this month came. We’ve been working with BYKOTA House, a small children’s home here in Cambodia. My days have been filled with details, with planning, with routine. My organized and detail-oriented nature rejoiced! Our ministry here has been absolutely amazing, and I have been so blessed to work here and directly minister to the children and to the Benz family, who run the home. And yet, there’s been this discontent all month that I couldn’t figure out. I thought to myself, “I’m on the World Race! I’m in Cambodia! I’m working at an amazing ministry with an incredible family and with the sweetest children! My team is going ever deeper as we bond and connect and learn to rely on each other! Why do I feel this way?”
Then the Holy Spirit oh so gently reminded me the reason why I signed up for the Race to begin with. It was because I relied too much on my routines and the details of my life at home. I put God in a box in my old life, and when left in a box, He can’t work through me to bring His Kingdom. Actually, I put myself in a box, since God’s way too big for any box I can throw at Him. And this month, I locked myself right back in that box. A box that confines me and hinders me from letting go and saying, “Whatever, whenever God!” A box that gives the illusion of control, but is really the strongest prison I could put myself into. When I bind myself to the details of my day-to-day life, those details cause me to slowly die. It’s a death of my joy.
I see it so clearly now, and I’m pretty sure God put this month here for me to learn this lesson. It would be so easy to go back to the States at the end of the Race and fall back into my old routines. But why would God take me on a crazy 11-month journey around the world, only to have me go back to the same thing? Obviously He’s not going to allow that. So I need to learn to not rely on myself and my love for details. I need to rely on God and give Him the control, even when faced with the temptation of routine and planning. I don’t want to waste my life focusing on tiny details when there’s an amazing, big, scary, and exhilarating world out there to explore with God at the helm. Life’s too short anyway to be bound by the details. I want to live with abandon. So here I am, abandoning my details yet again and finding my joy in the loss of control.
