Does anyone really enjoy goodbyes?
From the awkward to the emotional, goodbyes are never really fun. I've always hated them. They speak to me of closing a chapter, of change, of regret for things unaccomplished. They are something I dread.
And yet, God called me to the World Race, to eleven months of goodbyes. Goodbyes to contacts, to people I've ministered to, to squadmates who went home early, to countries, and soon, to my Race family. As the Race draws to a close, I spend a lot of time reflecting back on the Race and dreading the goodbyes.
This past month, at El Shaddai, I was reflecting one day on goodbyes when I engaged in conversation with another squadmate. Since El Shaddai was my third children's home of the Race (Remember Nhu and BYKOTA House being the other two), she was asking me to compare the three and what I liked about each. As I was talking about them, I remarked on how the kids at Remember Nhu had built up walls against goodbyes and rarely got close to Race teams. I noticed it a bit at El Shaddai, too, especially with my buddy. She and I had fun, but she wasn't really opening up to me. As I talked with my squadmate, I realized something.
She may be building a wall against saying goodbye, but so was I.
I was hesitant to show how much I loved her. I was hesitant to open up to her. I didn't want to get close and then leave. I hated the thought of pouring into her and then leaving her, probably for good, with just a hug and a goodbye. What difference would that really make in her life? A few weeks, soon forgotten, of math homework, Bananagrams, hangman, Pass the Pigs, reading together, and drawing? How would that help her if I did all of this and then just left her to go on my merry way?
God really spoke to me through this and brought some heart change. I was projecting my fear and dislike of goodbyes onto my relationship with her. I didn't want to invest for fear that it would be meaningless. I didn't want a painful goodbye; I wanted to be able to walk away undamaged. But how damaging that thought process is! Instead of taking the chance to pour into and teach this amazing, beautiful, and smart girl, I was hiding behind my fear of hurting her. Which was really a fear of hurting myself. How selfish! I was grieved at this thought. What had I robbed her of by building up my defenses? God called me to this mountain to minister to her in particular, and I wasn't doing that!
I fervently thank God that I realized this midway through the month. From then on, my thinking and my heart changed. I poured myself into buddy time, giving her my full attention. I tried to make her laugh. I showered her with hugs, high fives, and other forms of loving touch. I patiently taught her. I praised her when she did a great job, and encouraged her to keep trying when she wasn't. And slowly, she did open up a little bit. That wall was still around her heart, but she was peeking over it. She began to share a bit about her life. She clung to me when I hugged her. She snuggled up next to me at church and took over the job of underlining verses in my Bible. She talked to me and worked hard to make me laugh too. She showed how sad she was when I had to leave to go cook dinner for the squad. We enjoyed buddy time together, laughing and enjoying each other's company even through the hardest math homework.
Our goodbye was not very emotional. I hugged her and told her I loved her, but I didn't cry. Neither did she. She hugged me hard, but didn't say anything. She barely looked back as she walked to school. But I know in my heart that both of us were affected by our month together. I'm so thankful that I made the choice to tear down the walls of my heart and invest in this stunning child. She was worth it ten times over. God called me to this month, to her, in order to pour love into her. But He also used her to teach me so much.
How often do I build up my walls in fear of rejection and having to say goodbye? How often do I choose not to even try because I can't see any good in fully investing in a relationship? How often do I miss out on amazing people and experiences by choosing to close myself off? I don't want to live that way any longer. Yes, by tearing down the walls, I will get hurt. My heart will bruise and possibly break at times, but if God gave me this heart, He will be faithful to heal it of its hurts. After all, He invested in me and loved me fully first. He will call me to love when it's hard and when it doesn't seem to make sense. But He will faithfully supply what I need to pour into others' lives. And so from now on, I will walk out beyond my walls to greet those He brings into my life. Even if it means a goodbye at the end.
