It’s an unsettling feeling seeing your fate written out before you…so permanent
These days I’ve been laying in bed replaying the past couple of days over and over again in my head. All I can think of is, “Wow, did all that really just happen?!” I know what happened was real but it feels like such a long time ago, almost dream-like. It was as if as the days passed they took the validity of the events that had perspired with them. Now, I’m sitting here typing and I feel nothing…I’m numb. Numbness—my chosen poison. This is what I’ve done my entire life crossed mountains with Jesus then questioned if the mountains we crossed were actually hills and not mountains.
I downplay big miracles! God cured me of malaria and now I am telling myself it was not a big deal what I went through. When we do this we belittle God’s power therefore robbing Him of His glory. I am a victim of this, are you?
Psalms 103:2-5 ESV, encourages us to have an attitude of thanksgiving towards the Lord when He delivers us from our troubles and not forget.
“1 Praise the LORD, my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. 2 Praise the LORD, my soul, and forget not all his benefits— 3 who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, 4 who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, 5 who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.”
This time is different. This time I can’t forget. This time the bruises have not faded and my head still throbs at times a constant reminder of the battle I just endured. This time I wrote about it so the memories would not fade.
This time I am letting myself feel the pain.
When I close my eyes I remember. The way that room smelled—musky with a hinge of rubbing alcohol. I remember how hot the room would get sometimes and how I felt like just running out of there just to grasp for air. But the truth is I could not run out of there even if I wanted too. I was weak and the daily trip I made from my bed to the bathroom was enough to make me sweat (a total of 12 feet). I also knew that the air that would meet me outside was not the fresh Arizonian air I was craving rather I computation of my new reality being here and not there.
I remember the way the needle felt as it dug through my skin. I remember telling myself to be strong and get over it. I remember wanting my mom for the first time since I left her standing in the airport. I remember pulling the moldy smelling hospital sheets over my head as soon as it was over.
I couldn’t hold it in.
My eyes began to swell and I could feel the tears drip down my cheeks. “I’m tired…I’m tired…I’m tired. I can’t do this anymore. I’m letting go…I’m done fighting. I need you to take over.” I managed to quietly breath out.
Surrender. Such a strange word and topic. It requires so little from us but takes everything we have.
A couple days ago, I read this quote, “Not all storms come to disrupt your life. Some come to clear your path.” Do you agree?
Malaria was the best-worst thing that could have happened to me on the race. It was a point in my life where I could not see a future for myself so I was okay with giving up whatever I had to the Lord. Sometimes, we don’t give God everything because we think we are holding a solid playing hand in this “game” we call life. Well, the world is not fair and it does not play by the rules. Sometimes you are holding a solid hand only to have someone come up behind you and knock the cards right out of your hand. Then you are left with nothing and everything seems pointless.
This is where I was. No cards in hand only to be left to wonder, “What is life?”
If you’ve been in this place before read Isaiah 43:19. I think the Lord is trying to do something new in your life too. The rerouting that you are encountering in your life is purposeful but it takes us turning our “Why God?” into “What God?” I was reminded of this simple but powerful statement by my host and dear friend in Rwanda when she emailed me after hearing about me contracting malaria. Glenda, if you are reading this you are a blessing to my life and have encouraged and inspired me to live boldly for Jesus.
