I am a sinner. A really big, mean one who hurts others. This fact has taken a long time to set in, but I am finally starting to understand; amazingly the roots of such a revelation have come from a completely unexpected situation. I love how God surprises us (1 King 9:11-12). 
A relationship of mine ended recently. My first encounter with almost-love, I blazed through this relationship blindly making mistakes, acting a fool. Unfortunately for me, the relationship ended in a manner in which I could easily slip into the role of the victim and the broken-hearted. I told God the lessons I knew He wanted me to learn and I set out on the road towards inner-healing and forgiveness. That may be the ultimate result, but trying to get there has been quite surprising. What a fool I have been– from the beginning to the end– I am such a silly human! These are some of the lessons God actually had for me… I pray for many many more:
I have no conception of submission or humility. I kept telling him I wanted him to lead, and then I would tell him exactly how to do it. I am a proud woman, who made a Man of God feel like a failure. As if he was the only sinner between the two of us. I don’t know how to let go, apologize, forgive, and oh how I need grace! From God, from those I’ve hurt, and from myself.
There is so much more I want to say. I am tempted to justify my actions, or at least redeem them by sharing every moment of realization and growth that has come. I pray forgiveness for that, for caring about the opinion of others. I don’t know why God has burdened me to share this so openly. But I am glad He has. I don’t want to be a hypocrite anymore. I don’t want to sugar coat my reality with good intentions. I want to be authentic and broken. I want to live in grace and forgiveness. Why is it so hard to walk into what has been freely given?
