The World Race has sought to be much more than just a 11 month journey around the world. They have sought to create a culture within the program; to create a movement. Part of that culture is a keen sense of tribe – We’re all in this together, advancing the Kingdom of God. And another part is coming to complete wholeness in Christ – we were made for the abundant life. So past racers and future alike reach out to one another and encourage each other on their journey. Stacey Hume, a June 2010 racer, shares this story of what resulted when she tracked down a few alum.
The other evening I had the wonderful occasion to sit down with five former world racers. These beautiful people were so generous and kind to sit in and listen to my stories and help guide me along on this journey towards the World Race.
After hours of talking and chatting one of them turned to me and said point blank, “why won’t you be loved?” Kind of an odd question for a person to ask that I just met. But an honest one. I could do nothing else but start to cry. An arrow launched into the heart of a problem I could not myself name.
For weeks God has been working on my heart. Gently coaxing me closer through love and words of support. But for years, no matter how far I come, or how close I get, there is a wall. I can run as fast as my heart will go towards Him for comfort and love and then whack!
Right into a brick wall. I often times go reeling backwards, confused as to what just happened. Other times I just stare in stark awe and sadness that I could never climb it or go around it and reach Him fully. And I can hear Him, on the other side, calling and waiting for me. But I can’t reach Him. So, what did this Racer do for me? He put a label on my wall. He said, look here. This is what it is called. It is a wounded wall. It is your fear of being loved and known and open to others and to God himself.
And it hurt. Immensely. The roots of this issue run so very deeply that I’m not so sure they haven’t been the thing sustaining me for so long. Protecting me from certain types of risk and pain and rejection. But at the same time they are protective, they are also constrictive. Forcing me to always be at a distance from others. I have been standing idly on my side of the wall my whole life, and loving others from a far. With a barrier. With a safety net. Through the Wall.
This type of love is different than true love. Because it is a singular action on my part, categorized by isolation and a lack of mutual trust. I keep launching things over the wall, and know full well that no one can send anything back. So it is a seemingly safe way to love. But also a lonely one.
So here it goes. Now that this wall has a name, I’m going to kill it. I’m going to take it down. Brick by brick.
This could take a while….
