Great question, one that I have asked myself many times over the last few weeks. Have you ever felt a burden for something or someone? Maybe someone in your family is suffering with a illness, or maybe they are struggling economically or relationally? Maybe a friend of yours has recently gone through a divorce and you just feel the pain in their words, and see the pain in their eyes? Well this is the sort of burden I feel when I think about people. Lost… poor…. broken…. and hopeless people. It eats at my heart, it grieves me, it brings me to tears randomly throughout my day in random places such as during a material run today at Lowes. Even now it brings tears to my eyes…
I too have hurt, I have felt pain. I've dealt with physical pain, emotional pain, and even relational pain. I've been stabbed in the heart by friends and women, kicked around, kicked to the curb, been cheated on, lied to, demoralized, and let down numerous times by people and events in my life. I've dealt with a lot of issues emotionally from relationships, and abnormal events in my life that have stolen my innocence at a young age, and things that have forced me to mature practically over night. I've had much, and I've also been poor. I've dealt with alcoholism, drug abuse, sexual abuse, PTSD, and many other issues such as suicidal thoughts(and attempts), loneliness and depression. I’ve tried everything from counseling to blacked out drinking to solve my problems, and there has only been One thing that has brought me out of all that and given my heart hope, my mind peace, and my body rest.
It was new years night 2009-2010. I was on my way to a party and I heard that soft whisper, that tugging in my heart. You've felt it before too. That faint nudge pushing you in a different direction than the way you are going. I've felt it before, and pushed it off before also. But that night it was different…. I knew that rather than intuition or anything else, that feeling in my heart was the beckoning of the Holy Spirit. God was speaking to me and that night for once I listened. I turned my truck around and headed home. And although I was raised in the church, Jesus was always just my parents crutch, he was their God not mine. But that night someone was calling me change, to try something different, try something new. That night as I got home, I quickly googled the scriptures for communion. And with pita bread and orange juice I looked up at God and said "look you turned water into wine this has to count for something", and I took communion with Him and decided to dedicated 2010 given God a chance. I didn't even know what that looked like, but I decided to give Him one year, a whole year to show himself real to me. And He did….
That year was the hardest, most challenging and most rewarding year I have ever lived. And it was worth every callenge. It was like I had found the cure for cancer, and in reality I did because the lifestyle I lived before Christ was cancer like, it robbed me and took life away from me. I begin immediately to tell everyone I knew about Jesus, and even random people I didn’t know. I would talk to random people at a grocery store called Winco(like a Kroger…but not really), at Boise State I'd talk to my classmates and teachers, and I also started talking to random strangers on the streets too! It was insane, I had this passion, this burning desire in me to get people to the source of what I had. The source of freedom, the source of peace, the source of rest. And although I didn't want it to fade away, it gradually did…. I got discouraged by people not wanting to hear about this Jesus dude, or how supernaturally my life changed overnight, churches said I needed to fit their mold, and people said I should take varied approaches to evangelism, approaches that weren’t so direct and blunt.
Eventually my passion didn't just dwindle, it pretty much disappeared…and over the last year and some change, I got wrapped up in chasing material things, all the wants, desires, and stuff we label as the "American Dream". Over the last year, I had surrounded myself with successful people, but had withdrawn myself from those who chose to serve others. My priorities became mixed up, and my “godly” plans became nothing more than my selfish ambitions. I labeled my plans as Gods, but in reality they were still just my plans with His name duct taped to them.
In pursuit of one of my plans, I came to a point where I realized that my desires had changed, and my heart had changed. I was willing to set aside my servant attitude, and my giving heart, for the comfort and security found in people and material things. My desire to serve people, give, and be generous with my time and money was exchanged for a stingy desire and an attitude of what can you give me, and this is mine. God took me through a short trip that started in a relationship I thought I wanted but was completely off the path of my heart. In this journey, God began to tear me open and truly show me what was in my heart.
After going to a church service that focused on missions in Africa, my burden for people began to sprout again. The passions and desires of serving others weighed heavely in my heart. Support for these new ambitions was quickly deterred by someone special in my life which left me begging the question, what am I doing here? What am I doing here in this place in my life? Why don’t I have passion and compassion like I used to….?
It was around this same time that I begin to reignite my fire for Christ. The way you reignite your fire is to seek God and seek his word. I began to seek after him and read his word(the Bible).I also began to read a book called “Radical:taking your faith back from the American dream” By David Platt.
Although I bought the book 2 years ago I had never read it until now(funny how God works like that). In this book I realized what I had become. I had become a pursuer of things, instead of pursuing God. I had wrapped my arms around the embrace of comfort, security, and stability for my future, instead of embracing a heart for God. There is nothing wrong with material things, stability, a 401k etc. But when you idolize those things and take Christ off the throne and set those things there, you have a problem.
Early one morning I saw a commercial on tv. You know the one, the ones that show starving children in Africa, that type of commercial that shows you images of hopeless malnourished kids that need food, clean water, and hope. Reality struck me when I realized that this commercial didn’t effect me at all….
I had become so desensitized that I was mad at the “Christians” on the tv who were asking for my money to feed these kids. I mean really, if I sent money would it even reach the kids? Wouldn’t it go to the salaries of the non-profit rather than help those kids? What good could a few dollars do anyway? …I had lost it, I lost the heart of God, I had lost compassion for people, and in my selfish rage sitting on that couch surrounded by my future and the things I could “have”, I genuinely felt sad for myself. I was embarrassed of what I had become…
After finishing the book “Radical” I realized that my faith had turned to doubt, my compassion had turned to bitterness, and my generosity was non-existent. In chasing so much of what I wanted, or thought I needed, I blocked Gods plan and will for my life and how he intended to use me to serve others. You see the things that I’ve been through, all the struggles, the pains, the hurts, they aren’t for me. God didn’t bring me through them simply for my memory sake. Each hurt is an avenue of compassion, they allow me to feel what people feel, see what people see, and hurt when people hurt. The bible says in Romans 12:15 to “Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep.” I have a gift of relating with people who hurt, because I too have wept…
And then, once again my heart was shattered, once again I was hurt. That moment when you feel like you’ve wasted your time sharing your life with someone, that time and energy that you’ll never get back, everything you’ve done to make yourself vulnerable, to let the other person know you, yet it didn’t work out. I tried so hard to put everything into another relationship that didn’t work, this time I laid it all out there, I gave it my all. Yet, it didn’t matter what I did, it just simply wasn’t going to work… The next day I realized I had two choices, I could remain bitter that God brought me out here from Nevada to Georgia and I could stay bitter towards Him, and I could be mad over giving up the Marine Corps and my life I had for a failed relationship….or I could simply let go, and let God….
It begun as a desperate plea…the best type of prayer…What are you trying to tell me God? WHAT is it? WHY did you do this to me? I know I heard you clearly about all this, I prayed before I made any of these big decisions…. I realized I had forgotten my first love. And in trying to figure out how I could best pursue God and the desire he had placed in my heart, I remembered a girl I had met 2 years ago on a plane. It was a short trip from Boise to Vegas yet it kept popping back up in my mind. At the time she was heading on The World Race and suggested that I look into it.(http://kaityanczer.theworldrace.org/?filename=my-last-blog-via-world-race)I didn’t think much of it then, but that saturday as I pulled up the website and read the blogs I was amazed…I was in awe. I read blog, after blog, after blog! I spent 10 hours reading the blogs of former, current, and future world racers! These young men and woman had given up their dreams, ambitions, plans, and their lives in the pursuit of something bigger than themselves. What I saw them doing not only inspired me, it humbled me. They were that living extension of Jesus Christs hands, they were feeding the hungry, helping orphans, building churches, spreading the gospel, and genuinely loving complete strangers…all around the world. They were doing exactly what Jesus told us to do. I was humbled…
Since I started reading more of Gods word, and seeking after Him in prayer and worship, I begin to hear things in the bible that stuck out to me. Radical and crazy things(my kind of things). Things such as the great commission when Jesus says “Go and make disciples of all nations…”(Matthew 28:19), or when Jesus tells the man “Follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead.”(Matthew 8:22), or “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.”(Luke 9:23). Jesus said some pretty gnarly things didn’t he?! I mean he told that rich dude to sell all his stuff and follow him!!(Luke 18:22). But truly he was just metaphorically speaking? Jesus wasn’t being literal, he was just using figures of speech right….right?! Something in me decided that night it was time to take Jesus at His word….
So I prayed, and I took that first step of faith, and I applied for The World Race….I began to seek God fervently, and I began to wait…..
“my soul waits for the Lord, more than watchmen for the morning,
more than watchmen for the morning.” Psamls 130:6
(I took this picture on that cold Christmas morning in 2006 on a guard post in Husaybah, Iraq. I was waiting for the morning…)
and I started to listen…..
and wait…..
and listen….
and wait….
and then God began to speak….
and just as He is speaking to me, I believe He is speaking to you too, are you listening?
Stay tuned for my next blog, entitled “Putting my faith where my mouth is"
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