"And I pray this: that your love will keep on growing in knowledge and in every kind of discernment"
Phiippians 1:9
I'm sitting here and I'm in tears. It's 3 o'clock and the kids are making their way into the kitchen for their tutoring session. If I can just pull it together no one will notice, and I can suffocate these feelings once again. This seems to happen every other month but when I feel it start to rear its nasty head, I always try to push it back down and suppress it. I know I always win the battle, but in my opinion I find myself fighting it all to frequently. I thought I was doing well, no one has noticed so far at least. Thankfully the children are slowly trickling into the kitchen late as usual, we're on African time. I can hold this in. I've got it all together. Let's just finish the day. One child opens her Social Studies book and asks me to draw a map of Swaziland. So, I grab the pencil from her and begin to sketch Swaziland from the picture in her book. Then it happens. She asks me to put a compass on the map, as I look down at the map and draw a north seeking arrow it hits me…. images and memories flood to mind. I remember the maps, the terrain models, GPSs, compasses, land navigation, patrolling, mission planning. It'll never go away….
Some call it PTSD, I don't label it that at all and refuse to refer to it as that. Its just things all of the boys deal with as we move on away from the lives we all knew and loved. It starts in different ways and I've written a blog about it before called "Somedays I weep". Today it started when I watched "Zero Dark Thiry", the movie about killing Osama Bin Laden. I can't explain how it works, I can't explain what I feel, really I can't explain what I miss, words never seem to do it justice. All I know is that it's days like today when I'd drop everything I'm doing and head back into the fray. It wouldn't necessarily matter where I'd go or who I'd be going with I just feel the need to go back. Nowhere specific really, any sniper platoon would work, 3rd Battalion 4th Marines would do if it worked out that way but any unit would do. Twentynine Palms isn't my first pick but I'd go there if that was the only choice, any hide would do whether it's a rural Observation Post(OP) or what we'd call a rural hide, or a urban hide. My first choice would be to head to Afghanistan, I tried and tried and God always closed the door so I guess heading back to Iraq would do. I'd love to down that Rip It energy drink as the metal music is blaring in the background while I conduct that final last gear inspection. Magazines full of ammo-check, grenades-check, pyro-check, communications-check, water-check, M40A3 sniper rifle with ammo-check, M4-check, NVG with operation check-check, M9 strapped to my leg-check, Chest Rig and Kevlar-check, map-check. Time to check the team, our radios are up with a comm check, everyones gear is packed, ammo, water, chow, anything missing? Nope, we're good, It's time to roll.
It's hard to explain what it feels like to head down the road for an insert at 1 in the morning. The lights are off and there isn't much sound but the roar of an engine as the 7-ton or MRAP(Mine Resistant Armored Personnel vehicle) creeps its way down the road. "2 minutes" the section leader says. I look around at the boys in the team, they're all smiles as usual. The brakes squeal, the truck lunges to a stop and the doors open. It's pitch black. All 4 of us get out, grab our packs and head off to the side of the road that we've preplanned. Its all meticulous, everything planned and rehearsed, nothing left out. We rush over and sit down in a tight 360. A tight 360 is a 360 degree circle back to back with our packs facing in board and everywhere facing outward, 360 degrees of security. As the trucks drive off that eerie peace is present, as usual. We've made it this far. We've made it to the insert alive without hitting any IEDs. We'll sit here for a few more minutes and conduct SLLSP(Stop Look Listen Smell Plan) and allow ourselves to get adjusted to the nights sights, sounds, and smells before heading off and patrol the few miles to our hide where we'd sit for the next few days. I don't know why, but I always found so much peace in that moment, as the trucks drove off and there was nothing but silence I always felt really good. It is a very odd feeling but very peaceful feeling to know that you and 3 other 19-21 year old American Marines are now alone, miles and miles from any friendlies Your lives are completely in the hands of the Creator, it's either a day of mercy or it isn't, at that point everything is pretty much out of your hands.
Yesterday I was discouraged as I checked my Facebook and realized that I had forgot the 6 anniversary of our "alive day". February 16th 2007 God spared my life as an Improvised Explosive Device tore through the bottle of our Humvee. It was 6 years ago this past Saturday that a 20 year old kids life was spared as was the life of all of his buddies. I don't know how I forgot, but I did. Maybe that upsets me in itself that I forgot something that is so special and sacred to me. Something to remember and never forget, something to be thankful for above all else, something I shouldn't have forgot but I did.
There are a lot of things I miss about the Marine Corps. This morning as I worked out I was thinking about training. How here I was running up and down a mountain doing push ups and box jumps on a rock as well as using resistance bands to strengthen my upper body, but whats the point? What am I training for? I have no purpose in it really, no specific agenda, nothing more than an exterior appearance and the satisfaction of feeling and looking good. I couldn't help but compare it to the purposeful training I have done in the past, training for something specific for a specific purpose and cause. Ensuring you are in shape so you can ruck(carry) and patrol 2-3 miles with a 120-150lbs ruck(pack) plus 60-80lbs more of SAPI plates(bullet proof plates), ammo, and grenades etc. Ensuring you're in peak physical condition so you can fireman's carry a buddy from a burning vehicle, or if he steps on a pressure plate(an IED that is detonated by pressure), or should he get shot and you need to carry him to cover, etc. And here I am running up and down a hill for the fun of it… whats the point.
I don't even know where or what to write right now. I'm laying here in my hammock weeping and I don't know why God keeps bringing this stuff up, I don't completely understand where it comes from. I know that I originally planned to write a book on the race but I haven't even started. I guess I haven't even started because I don't even know where to start. There is just so much that has happened in the last 9 years I don't know where to begin. But it's days like today when I think this is Gods way of encouraging me to start.
Yesterday when all of this stuff came up I decided to get away. On the race you "can't" get away really, you aren't allowed to go anywhere alone so I couldn't get far but I put on work out clothes and ran to a place where no one is really around. As I ran up and down the 200 meter long driveway here at El Shaddai for over an hour, I had a talk with God. Well it was more like a pleading. I said "Either you take it away or give me and outlet for it!", "God you either take this thing away or you give me someway to channel it." God spoke to me as He always does in moments like this and He encouraged me to write. He said He's giving me a heart for all of my lost brothers and those that are like I was that are far from him. He said specifically that "write in such a way that compassion grips your heart and love is infused in your words, you can't write with emotion if you feel none."
So here it is. A plan set in motion. I am going to start writing a book about my life. I know that if I tell you guys something I will do it because I am a man of my word, so by getting this out here its my commitment to actually write this thing. I have thought about this many times over the last 5 years and I have no idea where to start but I guess I'll just start writing the stories and allow God to bring them all together. I don't know when I'll have time but if He is encouraging me to write it, He'll give me the time to do it. Its 4am right now and I usually get up at 5 to get everything started in my day before anyone else gets up. Somehow in the morning between my bible studying, seeking God, the daily online prophetic requests I do, and my workout routine, I will find a way to write a book. As I write I reckon I'll take chunks out and post them on blogs, maybe I'll get it published or maybe it'll just be an E-book. I'll cross that bridge when I get there. I just wanted to thank all of you for your encouragement, many of you have encouraged me to write this book and many more have said kind things about my blogging and writing. It's humbling to know that you take the 15 minutes out of your day to keep up with some young former Marine is doing in a 3rd world country across the globe. Thank you all. Semper Fidelis
