It’s such a…strenuous experience when you are so sure of something that you thought God told you and you end up being wrong. It sucks to know that you told everyone “He’s going to do this!! I know it sounds crazy but I heard Him!! He is the God of the impossible and this isn’t beyond that!” And just basically denied and objected any opposing possibility that people presented to you and proclaimed with confidence that this was it this was the next step God had for you and the rest was irrelevant bc “I believe” and “I know” that this is going to happen!! But then it doesn’t. And you’re stuck thinking…why would you bring me this far..just to leave me. Why would you provide the way for me and send me confirmation when I asked for it…just to redirect my life at the very last most crucial second? It’s so easy to humanize God in all of His unfathomably powerful ways and get lost in the inevitable confusion that tries to drown you when you attempt to pinpoint His will. I mean heck we can’t even completeky grasp the concept of our own will let alone His!! Of course there are those reassuring verses that state He will never leave us or forsake us and that He is not the author of confusion but of Peace. Most people, however, when being faced with trials in their lives and receive Godly encouragement cling to the resounding “but still.”
“I know that God is good and that He has my life in His hands and that He’s just teaching me right now..but still”
“I know that God is sovereign and wouldn’t give me anything I can’t handle without Him..but still”
“I know that he takes cares of the birds in the fields so I shouldn’t worry or question that He won’t provide for me too…but still”
“I know that I will always fail and fall short of the glory of God and that I shouldn’t let the disappointment of or even the weight of my ceaseless mistakes drag me down..but still”
“I know that I’m never too far gone and that He is with me every step of the way and that He goes before me and that He doesn’t make mistakes and that He sent His son for me and my sins and that I am covered in His blood and that nothing can stand in the way of His will being done and that there’s nothing too broken that He can’t fix and just all of those things I know it I get it…but. STILL.”
Its crazy how we still need something else. It’s crazy how “knowing” all of these wonderful truths about our Savior isn’t enough. And in a lot of cases we essentially believe that He Himself isn’t enough. What in the world!!? It’s audacious! It’s flabbergasting! And it’s completely relatable! I’ll be the first one to admit that I’m often the person to turn down that Godly encouragement because it seems that after you’ve heard it you’ve heard it all. The phrases become repetitive and that renewed confidence and feeling of being washed over in peace become harder and harder to get. Then it’s just frustrating to hear. And I guess it’s because if all of those things are true then why am I hurting? If God is so good and so powerful then…why do bad things continue to happen? Why do we encounter struggle after struggle after struggle? Why, when we put our faith in Him the most, does it get harder? Why if He’s the only way and He wants us to choose Him and He wants to have a relationship with us and loves us do we even have to suffer? And then there’s the phrase “be still and know that I am God”
WHAT? Not “but still” anymore, “be still.” But whatabout all the times it says to seek and live for God not just talk about Him or pray about it but to put works to our faith because “faith without works is dead”? How do you know when to be still and when to move? How do you know when God is sending you a sign or confirmation or when Satan is distracting you and luring you into a trap or when you want something for your life but it’s not what God wants for your life? How do we know anything?!!
i guess the whole point of it all is that we dont. And that we’re not supposed to. Knowing that doesn’t stop me from bombarding myself and others with questions. It doesn’t stop me from getting flustered and even snapping at my youth director and storming out on her or anyone else trying to help when they don’t have the answers to all of those questions. It doesn’t even stop me from being angry at God for letting my curiosity and hunger for Him be my biggest enemy in our relationship and for letting us have faith instead of proof. Because it’s so incredibly hard to share something you’re not even sure about yourself. If you can’t understand it, how do you explain it?
Every now and then I poke my head out of the sea of chaos for a breathe of fresh air and I look at the mess I’ve gotten myself into and I realize that it’s a cycle. I need God so I run to Him so He can help me with whatever current disaster I’m going through at the time and then we get close and I try to be closer but my foot gets caught in all of the potholes in my spiritual life caused by the madness of trying to discover Him and then I get angry and start walking or even running away and then theres that phrase “be still. And know that I am God.” and it doesn’t stop the cycle from repeating itself like an broken record. But it does stop me in my tracks. And then as i’m still I remember that I am only Human and that it is not my job to understand God, no matter how badly I want to, but to believe in Him. Our entire relationship with Him is all about building our faith. And as we grow we go through these terrible experiences because the other cliche “no pain no gain” and we get hurt and we get angry and we question the point of even trying to believe in God because our progress is so slow that it seems like it’s all for naught. But it’s not. And so while I’m devastated that I misinterpreted God and followed Him almost without fear and believed with all my heart and got my hopes up big time for being able to be a part of the world race gap year mission trip, I’m also thankful that I got knocked out on my bum like a drunk in a bar. I’m grateful for every time I enter the part of my loop when I get skid marks on my face bc it means I fell hard and then I get to watch him pick me back up, set me on my feet, and hold my hand into the next battle in life. And maybe it was a test to see how far I’d go for Him, or a test to see if I would still follow Him again even though I’d be facing a tougher crowd because they’d all heard me say I was sure before and I’d also be facing myself because it would be harder to believe yourself if you were wrong in such a big way. There are countless maybes and galaxies of what if’s. But there is only one God. And while I already know I’m going to continuously get lost in knowing Him instead of just knowing that He is what He is, I know that He gives us rest and that I’m better stuck in a loop with Him than without Him and I look forward to the many mistakes and tokens of wisdom that I make and collect along the way.
