Heads up, this blog may seem all over the place, bare with me! 🙂
Coming into training camp I was a wreck. This whole year has been of rebellion. I have experienced to many new things. Just two weeks prior training camp I fell into what I like to call a low point of mine, I got introduced to a new group of people and they convinced me that it was a great idea to party and to get it all out of my system before training. Well I did just that I partied just about every night. I constantly lied to my family about where I was and what I was doing. During those two weeks I did things I never thought I would see myself doing. I was lost ad confused about who I was.
Coming to a camp of 300 plus people is a little scary. knowing that you are going into something being told to have no expectations and that you just have to go head first and get out what you put in. Well I came to camp terrified that I was going to be disliked by my squad and my team and that I wasn’t going to connect with anybody there. On the first day I was introduced to my team and there were six of us and I didn’t know I was an introvert until I was told to start bonding with my team not knowing anything about them and not even being able to match a name to a face yet. So my introverted self stayed back and observed and didn’t really say anything because I was afraid that I was going to say the wrong thing and that they would be able to see through me to all of the bad things I’ve done.
On the second night of worship I was smacked right in the face with conviction, feeling like I wasn’t worthy, that my wounds are too much for God to forgive and that I’ll never be good enough to follow through with Gods plan, but as I was thinking, this man comes up to me and tells me that my wounds are no more and right after this moment the lead singer tells us to close our eyes and picture God on his thrown, then he said now picture him standing up and walking towards you, what does he do? and all I picture was God coming up to me, wrapping his arms around me and telling me that he loves me. I lost it, I fell to my chair and began to weep because I have never felt such relief knowing that he actually loves me.
From that night forward I began to open up a little more and began actually trying to connect with my team and let me just say that God put me on this team for a reason. As I began to open up to them I realized that none of us are perfect and that we all have our own battles.
Saturday night I was talking to my mom and was telling her everything God was doing in my life and how great everything was and that I basically on a high. but then when I woke up the next morning I hit the biggest brick wall possible and through out the whole day it was like my body shut down because it knew that everything was going so well and that I was loving life. Later that night we had out nightly debrief and I lost it. Everyone was being vulnerable and sharing their emotions, and if you know me you know that I’m not the best at opening up my thoughts and feelings. So I was pulled aside to talk to one of my leaders and basically revealed everything that I was feeling and why I was feeling that way and it was then and there that I figured out that in order to heal your wounds you have to expose them to the light and I did that. After I explained why my body shuts down after everything starts to go super well and fits into place. I felt a sudden relief come over and that I knew that everything was going to be okay because I had God holding my hand through it all!
After over coming that giant brick wall things started to fall into place. I was able to forgive the things that I have done and to forgive things that other people have done. I was finally at peace with myself by the end of training camp.
Training camp taught me so many things that I wasn’t able to share in this blog. sometimes you just cant put it into words. from coming into something broken and hopeless, fighting through battles of worthlessness and forgiveness. coming to a closure of this being my own walk and that God has a plan for me.
Going from waking up at 12 every day to waking up at 6:45 to pack all of my things. From fantastic Asian food to not so good Village day food. from taking normal hot showers to taking cold bucket showers (which isn’t at all bad by the way). from going into camp without knowing anybody to coming out of training camp with a whole new family!
I know that I am chosen to go on this trip for a reason and I am more than ready for God to reveal his plan for me. Yes it is going to be hard and stressful and sometimes I’m not going to want to go and do things. But I do know that from this day forward I submit myself to Jesus Christ and I’m willing to take on a pebble or a boulder that is thrown my way! because I can do anything through Christ who gives me Strength! 
