I’ve spoken to a lot of people and to any church that asked me to speak in the past few months. To each person I have given these words, “I am not special because I’m going on the World Race, nor am I a stronger Christian or a better person than those who aren’t going. And if anyone who is going on the World Race believes that they are a stronger Christian or a better person, then perhaps they shouldn’t be going on this mission trip.” I want those who read my blog to know more about who I am, but more importantly, whose I am.
In a time in which I knew freedom was on its way, I found myself arguing with God in areas that I have never questioned Him before. You see, I recently finished reading the Bible from cover to cover. Everything about that was amazing for me. Every chapter I read applied in my life at exactly the perfect time. I began to see how God’s timing is perfect. Also, I finished all of my college classes, and I’m now getting ready to graduate soon. Christmas is a few weeks away, and I’m looking forward to seeing my family before I leave for the year; then of course I meet up with my team again, and we’ll soon begin our journey on the WR. There is truly no reason at all for me to be upset, unhappy, or even frustrated. Without school, work, or other added stresses in my life, the devil had nothing to attack. Or so I thought. Recently though, I’ve been questioning things that I shouldn’t question.
I’m not questioning whether or not I should go on the WR. I’ve just questioned some things about my walk with Christ. For example: I’ve heard that we can do nothing without God. My question is “Do I need God, to sin? Can I sin without Him?” It began to be revealed to me that without Him, all I can do is sin. I know that every good thing is from above, so any “good” that I do is not even me, but He who lives in me. Does this mean that on my own, I can only separate myself from God since sin separates us from Him? Or is Romans 8: 39 true? And if I desire to do “good”, and to be “good” then how come it’s so difficult? I feel like I always fall short…always. Is it really simple, and I have complicated it? I can relate to Paul. I know his story, so reminding me of his story doesn’t help. Again, I know the Scripture. What about the verse “You have not because you ask not?” (James 4:2) Are my motives wrong? I prayed for a pure heart. But what if my heart isn’t pure? Is that why God sometimes says no? Is He protecting us? Well how come when I ask, things do not always seem to work out for what seems to be obvious, the best? Again, His thoughts are higher than my thoughts, and His ways are higher than my ways (Isaiah 55:9)…I understand that, and I can accept that, but that doesn’t answer any of my questions.
There was a time in which I felt like God was always out to punish me. Like He was counting all of my wrongs and was constantly disappointed in me. I didn’t want to hear the verse “the LORD disciplines those He loves, (Hebrews 12:6)” because I would then think that punishment was all there was to being a Christian. With every stumble or fall, I would punish myself more than I believe God would punish me. My dad once told me “Son, even God isn’t this hard on you.” I felt somewhat alone for a while. Honestly, I still feel that way at times. It’s almost like I know the Biblical answers, the “right” answers, but I needed more. At times I felt abandoned by God. As if He left me so that I may yearn for Him. So that I would thirst for Him. To show me how much I loved Him. Or how much more I need to love Him. I didn’t feel like there was anyone who could relate to me. Maybe there wasn’t. Maybe there was never supposed to be. Maybe I’ve been searching for relationships with people before I sought a relationship with God. Relationships became my downfall. My idol. Maybe I was searching for answers from those who didn’t have it.
(A song by Phil Wickham called “Safe,” really opened my eyes. I encourage you to listen to it if you feel somewhat alone).
Friends, I am a wretched, wretched man. I hope to write more about my struggles in the flesh, and the questions I find myself asking, for there are many. These are but a few that God has already answered. So if you have any questions like I did/do, then let’s walk through this together.
