I was in a major funk the past couple weeks. There are still some frustrations there, but God is really working on my heart. If I had started typing this blog a week ago, you’d probably be fairly concerned for my well-being as well as checking my page a few times to make sure it was definitely Tyler Shugart’s blog you were reading.
Just gonna be raw here. I’ve questioned Jesus and my faith more times this year than I probably have my whole life. It’s been tough y’all. The enemy is constantly on the prowl, and you kinda don’t realize it until he’s sneaked up on you.
The World Race really sucks sometimes. In the end, I know it’s a good thing that it’s hard. We see growth and maturity following brokenness. I know I’ll be back home and be like, “Ah, I see how that tough time helped me grow closer to God in this way [insert revelation here].” I know this. But it’s difficult to see past the hurt in the moment.
The adventurous pictures you see of all the cool stuff we get to do are only a small glimpse into our lives. 90% of time on the field is hidden beyond the blogs and FB posts. Here are some examples of my personal struggles out here: Living in community, the constant adjusting to different cultures, the long travel days, having a 1:5 ratio of guys to girls, lies of Satan, working with ministries or contacts you don’t necessarily agree with all the time, lack of organization or planning, Bible interpretation, homesickness, rules, future job questions, and the list goes on; I won’t bore.
Now, trust me when I say I’m not trying to throw a pity party. After all, I signed up for this; nobody forced my hand. I just want you to get a better peek into my life as a racer.
Most of you may not know that I broke my toe during my last week in Vietnam while playing soccer. Since then, it’s been a long road to recovery. Seems like just when it starts to get better, I hit it on something or somebody steps on it.
While in Northern Ireland we learned a lot more about healing, working closely with Mark Marx and his team doing “Healing on the Streets.” I had my squad pray constantly for healing in my toe. At first, I believed fully that God would heal it. I also had many moments when I clearly felt the Spirit heavily on me while people were praying. I couldn’t deny God’s presence in those moments. Yet, my toe would feel healed/pain free for a day but be back to pain the next day. It became increasingly harder to have childlike faith.
It went on like this for some time. I felt like Jesus kept telling me to keep pressing in and praying, even though I was tired of it. So, I did. It was a daily battle. One night at the “Holy Ghost” movie premiere, I experienced the Holy Spirit so strongly that I believed I was fully healed. I even ran around. Well, the next day I felt pain. I became confused and frustrated with God.
Long story short, God asked me this: “If all was taken away, would I be enough for you? Just me.” This is a question I’ve heard from Him before, so I gave the quick “Yeah, for sure” reply. But then I really contemplated my response. Maybe not. I mean, if something as simple as an ailment could bring me down, what if I lost my whole family? That has made me seriously question my devotion to my Savior.
Here’s what I’ve realized. Life is hard for everyone. Being a Christian anywhere is a constant battle against the evil principalities. But for believers, the point is (and it’s always contradictory to our normal thinking) that it’s never about us. I put so much focus on how I’m feeling or asking God why I’m feeling the way I am, that I lose focus of the cross. I forget I’m called to just be obedient despite my circumstances. Paul says in Philippians 4:11-12, “I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.” I have a supportive community around me who have prophesied over me similar words… that God wants me less concerned with my toe and more concerned with following Him.
Still don’t have the answers. Life is still a journey and awesome mess. But I rest on the promises of God and his Word. Thank you so much for the prayers and encouragements coming from around the world… it’s been such a blessing and help.
