A lot of people have asked me weeks and even months leading up to my world race “why are you going on a mission trip?” Looking at my past it would be easy to see why people questioned why God had placed a call in my life to be a missionary, and to be honest I myself asked that same question. From having premarital sex and losing my virginity at the age of 17 to a 30 year old because I felt “cool” and thinking that that is where my self identity lies, fighting with my mom week in and week out about going to church and when I finally would go, I would hide out in a bathroom stall and play games on my phone while she was teaching the kids Sunday School so I didn’t have to listen to the sermon. To not trusting and questioning God after my dads devastating divorce from his ex-wife who said she was a prophet and coming to find out was getting into major drugs and had cheated on my dad multiple times and even the son he helped raise thinking was his was another mans. Questions I had were “how could a woman claiming to be a prophet do all these things?” I had begun to lose my faith. But amidst all the darkness, there was light. When I felt all hope was gone and that I was just going to give up on God, he was just starting to begin a work in me.
I fought with God constantly about going on the world race thinking “why me? I have failed you so many times, how could I be worthy enough to spread the Gospel?” but all I heard was “Go and make disciples of the nations” thinking to myself, If this is God’s will for my life then I will obey but still thinking that there had to be more qualified people than myself. And yet here I am writing to you on a frigid rickety old train in Malaysia, now in full assurance that this is right where I’m supposed to be and right where God has me, heading to the capital city Kuala Lumpur finishing up month one of my journey and getting ready to leave for Australia. God has shown me time and time again that no matter how many times I fall and fail Him He will always be there to pick me up. That concept of Him always being there for me even in my faults didn’t truly sink in until I went to the Desperation Conference in Colorado Springs this summer.
My fellow teammate and sister in Christ Jessica Francis said “ I began this journey wanting to change the world, but I see now that the world must change me and my American mind, first. I wanted to make disciples of the nations, but the Lord is using the nations to disciple me first.” I have found this to be very much true in my walk as well.
I have chosen the way of abandonment and leaving all that is comfortable allowing myself to be unmade before I can be remade. One thing that has stuck out to me is what Seth Barnes said in his book Kingdom Journeys “ Jesus sent His disciples on a journey to find the Kingdom. They discovered the Kingdom right where God put it, inside them.”
God calls us all as His children to a Kingdom Journey, Its up to us whether or not we answer.
