What is God’s plan? We obviously don’t know the whole thing; He reveals bits and pieces at a time. I know that nobody really knows God’s plan, but I wish I could figure it out. How can we go on dreaming and hoping when we have no say in the matter?
While everyone seems so excited that Molly and I are having a baby, I am still trying to get my dreams back in order. At this point, I feel like God cut me off at the knees and said my plans needed to go. It seems like our family didn’t just have to redirect our plans, but throw them away. So, what do we do next? We will be home in two months. I’m no longer going to be able to say I’ve traveled “around” the world; I’m no longer going to watch my wife build the career she has always dreamed of having; and I suddenly have to provide for my family of three. What happened to the years I wanted to spend exploring myself, my marriage, and long term dreams?
I never thought it was wrong to plan my life before; now planning seems wrong, but if I don’t plan my life how do I move forward? How can I find a direction I am supposed to take? Which direction does a person head when they don’t pick a place to go?
My thoughts then turn to Molly who even more than me has had to give up her dreams. I always just hoped for a good job that I could be happy to work at. She, on the other hand, had a very specific dream of building a career as a civil engineer, yet now she is torn because she wants to be a mother who raises the child from home. How do I help her see the joy in that? How do I find joy in that? It seems like every time I stop to think about it, I feel like a thief who has stolen something very dear to her away. Were we wrong to hope and dream? Or worse, were we wrong in what we hoped and dreamed? How do I find a place of humility and faithfulness to God’s plan without giving up every part of myself?
Even as I write this blog, fear overwhelms me. What if my child one day reads this? I want to make it clear; I love God, my wife, and my child so very much. Each one holds a place in my heart and is so dear to me. At times, I have faith that my family and I are in God’s hands, but the next minute I am frustrated that God’s hands are holding us where we are. I want to move forward in God’s plan; however, I selfishly want to have more control of those plans. I would do anything for my family, but I wanted to share how hard it has been for me to raise the white flag and surrender these hopes and dreams.
