It is hard to think of much else. Vaccinations are needed. Will they be covered by my insurance? Will I be able to get them on my day off? There are so many websites selling hiking gear. When did the lady at the post office say my passport would arrive? Don’t forget where you put your extra photos for your visas. I know I need quality gear. I guess I should go to REI to get fitted for my pack. I hear I’m supposed to carry the weight on my hips. I may need to do more research. How does fundraising look? I try to only check my account once a day. I’m still a long way off. My gear and vaccinations are not included in the fundraising. How will I pay for those? I’m trying to sell my jeep. I wonder if that guy will buy it. I have sold some furniture and am trying to sell other pieces. I just sent out another wave of fundraising letters. What are people thinking when they receive them? I wish I could visit each one individually and talk to them about how I feel God is calling me to this Race. I missed lunch….ok so doctor’s appointment has been scheduled. How am I getting to training camp? I need to figure that out. I need to print off flyers for my next fundraiser. When should I go to REI? What if the support doesn’t come in? I can’t cover it all. I’m selling my car, leaving my apartment, leaving my job…..I know God is calling me to this….so I’ll wait. Trust. That’s my season I’m in. Ok….breathe. I’m in the ring. I’ve fully stepped in. There’s no turning back. I’m ready.
If you would have asked me before this experience if I trusted God I would have said yes. I believed that I did. Up until this point in my life yes I had trusted God, but in case He didn’t come through I would usually have a plan B. There was always something I could fall back on. This time there’s not. All my cards are on the table. I feel God has called me to lay it all on the line and wait for Him so I have.
To put it in terms of a picture, before it was like God and I were riding in a car and I was in the driver’s seat, hands on the wheel, and God was in the passenger’s seat. He was with me all the time. I knew that and was comforted by that and occasionally I’d let Him have the wheel but only from the passenger’s seat. Dependent upon certain circumstances I may grab the wheel back because after all I had to feel some sort of control.
Fast forward to recently. Since joining the race there’s still been a little tug of war over the steering wheel, but sitting there feeling the only way this is going to work is to completely trust in God….with finances, relationships, my future, present, everything. I felt like God and I had switched places. I now felt I was in the passenger’s seat and God was in the driver’s seat. I knew He was trustworthy, but as frustrating and hard as it was I was wrestling with all the moments when people had disappointed, or hurt, or not came through for me and I was putting all those broken expectations on God but why?! He didn’t deserve that. He had never not came through for me. Maybe it wasn’t always in the way I thought or expected, but He had never left me or hurt me. Still I felt panicked.
While talking to a dear friend I was reminded as a Christian Jesus lives in me. Instead of Him being beside me is He not inside me wanting to use me as His vessel? As simple as this thought may seem it was one of those aha moments for me. Yes. I started seeing it as now we were both in the driver’s seat. Both of our hands were on the wheel and as He sat arms wrapped around me I felt safe. He wanted me to have a say, but He also wanted to lead me. It’s a marriage after all. As time goes on and I’m able to not put all my personal junk on God and I work through it and fully trust Him leaning on Him more and more all the time, I expect to be fine letting go of the wheel and allowing Him to take off as I press into Him. There’s a comfort in this, a security, a peacefulness as yes I want to be a part of it and I am. I’m confident He is leading me in the right direction and I know He is not just next to me, not just arms wrapped around me, but He’s living inside of me. That’s pretty incredible.
