For several years I was driven by fear.
I didn’t want to fail. I was terrified of it.
I felt the need to impress, attract, and be sought after. I wanted true intimacy.
Unfortunately I was confused on how to truly receive it, but this realization didn’t come for several years.
For a while I was naive to believe if I had a relationship where someone would say good morning, care about my every move throughout the day, and say good night, it would somehow mean I was more important than those who didn’t have such a thing. It meant I was valued and worth more right? Or wrong….
Sometimes I engaged in relationships because he’s cute, he wants to hang out, and we have a great time together. Everyone’s doing it. You’re young. It’s what you’re supposed to do so I hear or better yet see. There is comfort in projecting a certain image- hence the popularity of Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and every other social media outlet available, but too bad social media is not real life. It’s only a compilation of the moments we wish to show the world.
For years I had been told, and had believed without necessarily realizing it, that a sense of personal worth was determined by whether or not someone else was spending time with me and pursuing me. Part of this is a burden our society projects on us, some of it was brought on by pressures of those I grew up around, being a part of the Christian college bubble, and some were perceptions I had come to accept on my own. Not until I signed up for the Race and I clicked the little box that said- in some fashion or another- yes I will commit to being single for the 11 months of my life while I travel around on this beast called the World Race did it set in. Staring at that box a series of thoughts flew through my head.
But what if the perfect person comes along and I have committed to being single?!…
No love interests, kisses, dates for almost a year?!…
Isn’t a relationship something I’m supposed to be sprinting towards after at a certain point in life or something’s wrong with me?!….
Then I realized….
I had never been single for more than a few months straight since my teenage years….what an embarrassing revelation. I know a lot of people like this though; people who cannot just be with themselves. They fly from person to person and sometimes maybe even overlap relationships. If someone doesn’t respond to a text soon enough a handful of other texts are sent immediately. I know these people because I used to be one of these people.
There were times I only sought fun and games, times where I tried with all my might to force something in hopes to fix a wound or satisfy someone else’s push, and then there were other times where I was completely broken and codependent after having my heart ran over and trust was completely destroyed. Whatever the reason if you can’t be with yourself how are you going to be good with and/or for someone else? How are you going to be in a healthy place to actually choose someone who is good enough or right for you if you haven’t given yourself time to heal and figure out who you are separate from anyone else?
This is something God’s been trying to open my eyes to for a while, a long while, but quite honestly I was terrified of learning and walking through this experience because it’s easier to just have another relationship and lose yourself in it instead of sitting in silence with God and listening to Him because who knows what He might say.
When I was wrestling with God about joining the Race I felt Him calling me to a honeymoon with Him. I had been trying to settle for something less than He had for me and as I asked Him to pursue me with a vengeance, oh He did, and He has not stopped.
On the Race Jesus has been molding my heart and mind to see him as my husband. I’ve never had a husband before so it’s all new, but despite some of the painful relationships I’ve had in the past I know I can really trust Jesus. I know he wants the absolute best for me. Although he literally knows everything about me he wants to be with me. He chose me. When I wake up in the morning he’s the first one I spend time with and he’s the last person I talk to before I roll over to sleep at night. Some days I’m pretty upset with something going on and I’ll let him know it for sure, but I won’t leave him and he won’t leave me. That’s not even an option because we’re married. I’m in it. He’s in it. It’s a mutual lovefest and we fight for each other and our relationship. I want to know what the future holds for us. Some of my best moments on the Race have been when he’s whispered those things in my ear, which I will hold close to my heart forever. It may sound weird being married to Jesus but he calls us to be his bride after all.
There has also been people I’ve met through this incredible experience, not by accident, but people he has strategically placed in my life who have spoken into parts of my heart in a way no other person has before. Incredible friendships have developed; missionaries have spoken prophecies over me bringing me to tears. I have felt the physical presence of Jesus as if he were literally holding me. I’ve received visions and experienced miracles. I am learning confidence to trust myself, to trust God, to trust people- healthy people. I know who I am. I know what I have to offer. I know what I’m worth. I’m not perfect by any means but that’s ok. It’s through my imperfections I’m able to receive grace.
Intimacy is scary, but until we face the brokenness, until we listen to God’s voice and learn how to be closer to him than anyone else we will never be able to fully receive what He has for us. Funny how although I made an agreement to be single for 11 months I have experienced deeper intimacy than I have in my entire life and I know this journey, this Race is only the beginning. I know this because God, Himself, has told me.
