Confidence is an interesting beast. Too much of it and the world judges labeling you as an arrogant jerk. Too little and the world judges labeling you as an insecure coward. As human beings we are wired to be relational especially with our Creator but we have a habit to attempt to fill the void only He can fill with human relationships. There’s a tendency to listen more intently to what others speak into our lives as opposed to what our Creator has to say about us. This can be dangerous on either end of the spectrum from which people are speaking if we are not careful in our discernment.
On one end it can be devastating to our sense of self if we allow negative feelings, words, or actions from others define how we view or feel about ourselves. Some of the most terrible things people have ever said to me crushed me in those moments of impact making it difficult to forget the scars they have left. Although I know the falsehood at which these phrases stand in light of who I really am, the words are still there occassionally rearing their ugly head. It’s unfortunate they were spoken by people who at the time I held high allowing the lies and pain to be mistaken for truth. I pray no phrases compiling lists of others’ deep hurts were ones which left my lips, but if they are I sincerely apologize for my arrogance, ignorance, and selfishness in those moments. We are told time and time again in scripture how sharp the tongue is and how essential it is to try and control it. It can steer us and others into dangerous waters. I am not always the best at this especially when I’m hurt and something continually strikes a nerve, but I’m learning and through the grace of God I have made strides and am a continuous work in progress. I am also working to allow myself to be open to hear what my Creator has to say about me. I’m more interested in what He thinks of me since after all He knows EVERYTHING about me. It’s interesting how when we open ourselves up to hear what God has to say about us, the negative things people have said and done don’t seem to hold as much weight anymore. It has been a revitalizing process and a revelation of truth.
On the other end of the spectrum we can hold too tightly to praise we receive from others. Maybe everyone experiences this in some form or another but coming at it from an athlete’s perspective I have absolutely had this tendency before. Growing up I received trophies and medals for doing strange things such as finishing a race in a certain time, or making the most free throws in a row. Eventually we get to the age where people stop giving us trophies every time we do something they value as successful. I do think it could be pretty great to start giving out trophies for particular praise-worthy moments in our adult lives since I feel the large majority of adults could use a little pick me up on the average day. Instead we are handing out participation ribbons to every child who shows up to a race and wonder why this generation of kids feel they are owed everything. So eventually the trophies stopped rolling in and although I was always a little embarrassed at any awards ceremony to walk in front of anyone and get an award while people said nice things about me, a part of it felt nice. I was being recognized and affirmed in a certain area. My parents have told me numerous times they are proud of me, and even sent me flowers on the first day at a new job which was incredibly sweet of them. Without even realizing it I have spent much of my life believing through acts I would receive praise, which would build my confidence, causing me to feel loved and affirmed.
The trick is…relying on someone else to make you feel worthy is an incredibly dangerous and potentially devastating way to exist. People are flawed and speaking as someone who has experienced relationships of varying degrees of healthiness, you are playing with fire when you allow a person to speak where only God’s voice should reign. You will never be completely fulfilled by another person. If this were possible we would have no need for a relationship with Christ.
Although I haven’t received a trophy or a medal in a long time, I am finally learning the valuable lesson of trusting God with reckless abandonment, and finding my confidence…..especially my spiritual confidence in all moments through Him. He is the only One allowed to hold my heart. He wants it. He wants to mend it, speak truth to it, and overshadow the darkness of this world with His light. It’s an incredible process. It’s not easy especially for a girl who has attempted to control so much of her life up until this point. It’s tempting at times when things get hard to look for quick reliefs and escape to another relationship or some other distraction all together. I had done this for so many years without even realizing it.
It is this turning point in my life….this moment where all things have come to a head and I’m preparing to go on the Race. One of the fears I have about this trip is 11 months is a long time. I won’t be able to be as present in my relationships in the states as I have been in the past. I will be intentional but the circumstances will be different. As a result some relationships may fall apart. The real ones will last though and this is something I have come to accept. I am excited to have the incredible community of my team around me throughout this journey as I discover exactly how God sees me and as I learn to rely on Him daily for the affirmation that only He can provide. I’m excited to explore the world with Jesus. I have faith I will experience Him in new ways and fall even more in love with my Lord than I could ever imagine possible. In this I am confident. For every soul I see saved, every orphan I get to hold, every smile of a new friend experiencing the love of Jesus….that will be better than any trophy I could ever receive.
