This past month my squad had an all squad month in Haiti. Basically this means that our whole squad is together working at one ministry for that month. While there, we would have a few squad meetings each week where we would get together for worship and a devotional or some listening prayer. On our last night I knew I was going to have to get up and share where the Lord had me and what I was struggling with at the time. There’s nothing more vulnerable than sharing something pretty personal with 52 other people at once.
I heard Jesus clearly say,
“Trish, you need to get up and share…you know others are struggling too.”
“Really, Jesus…are you sure?
“Of course, I’m sure.”
“Ok.”
A few of my squadmates got up before me and shared where they were at and what the Lord has been teaching them over the last 2 months. Suddenly there was a break in people getting up and I knew it was my time to share.
It went something like this…
“So Jesus told me I was going to have to get up and share. At first, I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to share about, but then he made it pretty clear. Over the last few years I’ve struggled with something and until a few nights ago I thought it was just part of my past. When I was in high school I struggled with an eating disorder for a while. My life was falling apart around me and I took control of the only thing I could…my body. I became obsessed with the foods I was (or wasn’t) eating and worked out way more than a normal person should. I thought that because I was eating now that I was over it and Jesus had healed that part of my past. After talking with Dani and Britt about my normal thoughts throughout the day, especially at meal times, I realized I still struggle with the mental aspect. Food is still an idol in my life. I know that others are struggling too. Don’t feel ashamed. Lean on your team to help you and know that there is hope.”
2 Peter 2:19 (NLT) says, “For you are a slave to whatever controls you.”
If I’m honest with myself, and you, I’m a slave to food and the lies that have attached themselves to it over the years. I can be mad at the people that have caused me to feel this way, mad at myself for letting this happen, or I can choose to hand the fight over to God. This is something I can’t beat on my own, but the Lord is fighting for me and He wants me to give this to Him.
I’ve been reading a devotional written by a woman (Jena Morrow) that has walked through the struggles of disordered eating. Last week she wrote about the difference in giving up and giving over. Giving up means one has been defeated and quit by choice. Giving over means you are handing the fight over to someone who is more able. I cannot win this fight, but God most definitely can and will. For the first time I have hope that I won’t feel like this forever. On the other side of this fight there is freedom!
If you are struggling with disordered eating I want to encourage you to talk to someone about it. We weren’t created to struggle on our own and I’ve had to learn this the hard way. The people in your life care about you and want to support you in whatever way they can. Don’t feel like you have to be stuck where you are because God wants more for you.
John 10:10 tells us that the thief comes to destroy us, but Jesus came so we could have abundant life.
Abundant life does’t look like obsessively counting calories, fearing fat rich foods, being scared to gain weight, withholding food, self-hate, and all the negative thoughts that come with disordered eating. God wants us to live a life full of joy!
Dealing with this means dealing with a lot of ugly things that have happened over the last 20 something years of my life. It means going back and asking Jesus to replace the lies I believe to be true about myself. This isn’t going to be an easy process and it won’t happen over night. I rest in knowing that Jesus is fighting for me (Ex 14:14).
