Hey everyone! I hope all is going well! I miss you all so very much and can’t wait to see each and every one of your faces. The Lord has taken me on many adventures that leave me breathless and amazed, however, He has also taken me down many hard and emotional struggles that have led me to act in total dependency on Him. This concept can be hard to grasp and fully understand, but it produces freedom and deliverance from yourself and from people. DEPENDENCY UPON GOD… This phrase once would produce a fear in me that would cause my stomach to turn. Often I would lay in my tent repeating this phrase over and over trying to justify and simplify this so call simple notion. We all have common dependency liners we cry out to God with when in desperation or confusion. “Oh God, today I’m going to follow you!” “God watch me and protect me!” “Lord change me, make me new!” “Lord starting today I’m going to read my Bible and do whatever you want me to do!” These are all great things to pray and obtain, don’t get me wrong, but why do we pray these prayers? I can’t speak for you all, but I can sure speak for myself. I would pray these prayers because I was insecure. I was insecure in who I was as well as how I was perceived by others. I was constantly banking my identity on how I thought the world portrayed me to be. This would cause me to feel discouraged, for I was not allowing God’s creation, (me) to shine for men and women to see.
This year God has called me to live in abandonment, fully relying on Him for my emotional and spiritual needs. Abandonment from my friends and family at home. Abandonment from my own desires and perceptions of myself and of this world. Abandonment from technology and comfort. You see I would put all these things above God causing me to build walls in my relationship with Him and with people. For I forced myself to believe that I knew what was best for me putting up boundaries and fences that I dare would never cross. I believe the first step to dependency upon Him is through abandonment. Now this process may look different for everyone, but it takes your right to the point. It can take you to your weaknesses, brokenness, insecurities, and past. It can also take you to your gifts, strengths, passions, and future. All these things dictate how you perceive yourself and why you act and live the way you do. This can only work if you are real with yourself and with others. I found accountability partners to help me through this process with me emotions and actions. There is no shame in admitting faults, insecurities, or struggles, in fact by doing this dependency is formed.
The next step I believe to dependency is brokenness. No one wants to feel defeated, but through defeat comes surrender. Just like when my little sisters would get caught stealing snacks from the kitchen, they would have to give up their snack and surrender to the orders of mom. So will we give up our right to anything and sit in our brokenness in full surrender. The word broken can be defined as fractured or damaged no longer in one piece or working function. I myself walked through this stage and still continue to accept the fact that I am always going to be broken to an extent needing fully to rely and depend on God. Through brokenness you see first hand how you can’t operate alone. You need that someone to put you back together healing the pain that you can’t possibly fix yourself, for I was no longer in functional manner. I was not myself. I was living a lie. I was living other people’s expectations of me. However, brokenness made me surrender my flesh and become new by the Maker of my soul. I now experience and live the life God made me to be without shame or guilt. Many people tend to skip this stage not wanting to experience the pain, but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
I can now say with full confidence that I love myself. I love the way God made me and how he designed and wired me. I love that I don’t have to live life alone, but I can lean on God and my friends for anything knowing that they love for me. I love that I’m broken! I love that I need a God every waking moment! This brings me peace and freedom to my heart, mind, body, and soul. Jesus didn’t come for the righteous, but He came for the sick like you and me so that we may call upon Him daily in love for affirmation and purpose. Hallelujah!!!
Now that you know where I have been emotionally and spiritually and why The Lord has called me to abandonment in search for brokenness and dependency. I now would love to share with you my many stories and adventures of where The Lord has taken me this past year. I’m super excited for you all to take part and hear what all God has led me to. I’m going to be sending out a series of blogs these last few months so I pray that you will read and hear all the crazy and amazing stories God has led me through up to this point. Thanks for all your prayers and support! Not a day did I ever forget about you all! Can’t wait to see you all soon and God bless!
“My mind was just like them, just as broken just as crippled just as burned. Still I find myself on top of the leader of the flock called to be a rock for those below.”
