When I was younger I didn’t really ever feel awkward in physical touch. I loved hugs and a comforting touch. But through college, life experiences, and hurts I closed myself off. Unless I really trusted someone, they were not going to get anything more than an obligatory hug. And I surely was not going to initiate any sort of touchy feely contact. I barricaded my heart and emotions away from most with walls and polite distance.
Last month in South Africa the Lord was ready to demolish those walls and after all He had done to grow and heal me in the previous 5 months, I was ready for that freedom. For month 6 of the Race, our squad had “MANistry month” which meant that all 9 men on our squad were put together to live and do ministry in a new team for the month. So the women on the squad were rearranged into new teams for the month, placing me with 5 new woman that I hadn’t been with before and one from my previous team. I love the men I have had the honor of being on teams with but something about being on an all women’s team was…freeing. But that could be a whole other blog in and of itself.!
My team was partnered with Life Church Assembly of God in Capetown (Somerset West). Ministry included being on staff as youth leaders at their winter break youth camp, being a part of christmas outreaches to surrounding townships and a night shelter, christmas wrapping for charity at a local store, as well as coming alongside the church in whatever way they needed assistance. It definitely felt the most like home than any other time on the Race as far as language, culture, and community goes.
As soon as our team got to our ministry site at the beginning of the month, we were welcomed whole heartedly into a community of believers full of life. People I had never met before instantly became friends. Everyone we were introduced to greeted us with enthusiastic hugs. Let me mention that we met a lot of people in a short amount of time in those first couple days so I was quite overwhelmed. I don’t think that in the previous 5 months combined I had had as many hugs than I had in the first couple days of arriving there. But after only being there for 72 hours, the strangest thing happened, I began getting real excited in the morning for the day because I knew I would see these new friends again which meant getting a hug from each and every one of them. I began craving those encounters, really truly looking forward to them. I love the people giving the hugs, of course, but the sincerity and love that each embrace held was addicting. I yearned for that connection that i had deprived myself of for so long. But there was more. As I prayed about it and reflected, I noticed something amazing. It was not just the loving hug that satisfied a human need, but from these people I got to experience Christ. Each day our hosts, the teens, and other church members would come up and I would truly get excited seeing them coming my way because I knew I was getting 1) to be getting a hug that would not be awkward or forced, 2) I get the love of Christ that I feel in my should through that hug, and 3) I see Jesus in their eyes. Seriously, at first I also most felt like a creeper when I was around them. I just wanted to stare at then hoping they would look my way, not that they would see me, but so I could see Him through them. Have you ever experienced that? Do you know someone who literally brings Christ to everyone they meet, making them instantly feel like family? Do you do that?!
I surely didn’t. At least not on a daily basis. Not that Jesus hasn’t moved in me and therefore shining through me before, but do I strive to do that day in and day out to everyone around me? I know I crave that . And why wouldn’t others want to see that same honest, comforting, empowering love of Christ in me that I saw in them? Honestly, I couldn’t wait to see our hosts everyday! Do people get excited to see me; to experience Christ through me??!
I found out quickly that God wanted to love the fear out of me. Fear of intimacy, fear of rejection…they didn’t stand a chance. Throughout the month, it was like the walls of Jericho coming tubing down. Each hug was a trumpet call or a great shout for my walls of shame and distrust to fall flat. No longer will I continue to carry the burden of my mess- my past mistakes- using them as barricades. No longer will I hide behind walls that blocked me from experiencing the love others had to offer but also blocked others from experiencing what God had to for them through me. Which all lead to my New Years Resolution:
I will be the tangible love of Christ to those around me by letting my mess become His message.
