So many feelings. Where to start? It’s been so hard to blog to express what is happening inside. In a way I was happy that I didn’t have access to internet much because I didn’t know what to post anyway. But here we go, bare with me…
Coming on the race I was excited that I would be living life with real people, not just a tourist in a country but walking beside them encouraging them in everyday life.
Stepping off the plane there was no way I was prepared for how much I would fall in love with Nepal’s gorgeous terrain, rich culture, amazing people and beautiful language. Being our first of eleven countries, why would I want to get attached to the very first one knowing I have so many yet to see and experience? But this place has tugged at my heart and stirred something inside of me that I have never experienced.
I really connected with my ministry host and his family. From the outside looking in it may seem hard to understand why; we were only with them for two and a half weeks due to switching ministry sites early on. We both are pastors kids, we’ve seen the ups and downs of ministry, we discussed the differences and many similarities of believers in our respective countries, our own beliefs, he taught me Nepali and I used what he taught me to communicate and connect with the rest of his family. Our time in Kothe we hiked around the mountains to encourage the Christians and helped a class to educate women about human trafficking. We split up into pairs to go to the 6am on different days. Kevin and I were the last pair to go. On the hike up to the class, we were enjoying the early morning views and one another’s company when I began to feel a prompting to share my story with the class. “Lord, I do not know these people and Kevin and my host are men.” Ok, this may seem like a very obvious statement but this would be my first time sharing my story to a group of people and I had no woman power to back me up and feel super comfortable. Was this a coincidence? Me thinks not. The Lord has been a work, work, working away on my many trust and vulnerability issues and this was just a fantabulous situation that He provided for me to grow in. So there I was, sitting on a dirt porch between these two men that I basically have only known for a month, looking out at around 15 women and children staring back at me with unamused looks. Our host began the class and then way too quickly, it was my time to share. He turned to me, ready to translate. Whoa momma, was I sweating and shaking. “Lord, help give me the words to express my story in a way that will connect and register to these women….and please don’t let me puke, amen.” I shared my story in the shortest, clearest sentences I’ve ever used in my life. Our host translated and when I finished, a discussion ensued between he and the women. I noticed that many of their faces had softened. They were finally looking at me, not just the tall, white American. It was a new sense of vulnerability and it was beautiful; it was real. After that I just felt connected and it seemed to “open up” something between us. After class they even felt comfortable enough to ask if some of their children could come learn English from us. That connection may not have been made if I had ignored the Lord’s prompting and kept to my comfortable, closed off self.
As far as “structured ministry” goes, there wasn’t a ton of stuff crammed into each week, but I never felt like I had a lot of “down time” and loved it. I filled my time with more conversations with our host, Nepali reading and writing lessons, spending time with the family while they cooked, volunteering to go to more optional MAT classes, and other little moments with the extended family that lived with them. I loved ministering in everyday life moments; just living life with them stirred something in my soul.
It really hit me when our host was dropping us off at the hotel, back in Kathmandu, to meet back up with the rest of the squad. I felt this heaviness, my heart ached. When it was time for goodbye, I broke. The waterworks started as I gave a final hug goodbye and my chest ached as I watched our host walk away, disappearing into the alley. An instant flood of emotions overtook me. What was happening? I’ve never liked goodbyes, but I’ve never reacted like this. “Pull it together Tressa.” I couldn’t. The whole rest of the day, walking around Thamel and shopping, it would just hit me in waves, I would instantly tear up. I was so overwhelmed. What are these feelings and why in the world are they so intense?? When I was finally able to open up to teammates, without blubbering nonsense, they helped me to begin sorting through these feelings. Now I’m not anywhere done processing through these and I may not know exactly why it all hit me so hard for awhile yet (all in God’s timing) but here is what I’ve got so far:
•It would not bother me a bit to be left here in Nepal to continue on building relationships, learning the language, and doing life with these people
•I’m still very much excited for the next 10 countries to come
(Conflicting statements? Yes, I know, think how I feel)
•Being vulnerable is a scary new thing and it does not seem to be a “one and done” thing on this trip
•I am overwhelmed by the emotions that this first month has stirred and know that there was a purpose for them. Lord, help me to give them up to you so I can stay present in the relationships with my team and our new ministry this month
So here I am, done with my first month on the World Race. Craziness. This is my life and can’t say I mind it. So enjoyed this first month (emotions and all) and I am ready for what God has next for my team and I in India.
