Well now that the heat of Squad Wars has subsided, the bright orange has rinsed out of my hair and soul, and i no longer have dreams of the letter L. I can now begin to process what on earth just happened.
In all honestly i went in to training camp a little closed off and guarded. I came from a church of some really solid believers that love Jesus and I was comfortable there. I had spent the past few years in a wonderful community that held me accountable and we had grown together. So for me, it was hard to think of starting over, of turning a new leaf when the previous one was so incredible. I came into training camp thinking that i already had community figured out and i honestly was scared to be vulnerable with a new group of people,
I was so wrong
That guarding ended up hindering some of the relationships i could have built with the men on my squad. So i needed to surrender my pride and embrace that i needed to step into the community if we were going to get the fullness out of the week we had together. I am so blessed and humbled by the men of L Squad that were intentional about digging into my life and calling me out and up. I look forward to growing and truly living a life of intentional accountability where we are truly transparent to eachother. So we may fully live outJames 5:16 Therefore, make it your habit to confess your sins to one another and to pray for one another, so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.
There are some walls around my heart that only Jesus can tear down and i am excited to dive in with these incredible men of God that will challenge and push me into new places with Jesus!
Another place where Jesus really spoke into my life was the very first night of camp. We had just finished the first day of activities and i was sweaty and gross, it was rainy outside and my tent was 110 with about 90% humidity. and it smelled of fresh soured clothes. I put my head on the tiny pillow(should have bought the pillow pet) as my back stuck to my sleeping pad like velcro. I tossed and turned for about 4 hours that night and it sounded like i was playing in saran wrap. I thought I couldnt sleep because it was a sauna in there, or becuase tiny bugs were now invading my body, but in reality it was because I hadnt surrendered to Jesus! I had come into the race thinking this would be my opportunity to gain leadership traits and figure out what country or what type of ministry he was going to have me do! I had all these grandiose ideas of what He was going to do through me and for some reason i had no peace. I laid there in bed, tossing and turning, and frustrated as all get out. Then i remember what my old discipler had once told me. "If you don't have peace and are questioning what Jesus is speaking, then it means your filling yourself with to many questions and not listening". This may seem so simple but it is very profound, how often do we spend countless quiet times trying to out speak God. I realized that He has much more important things to say than my feeble little mind. In that moment i felt like God spoke the verse Matthew 6:33 "But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all the things will be added to you." It was then that i knew that all my expectations and ideas where nothing. That all i have to do is simply submit to Jesus and rest at His feet and then listen to what he has next for me. I then prayed that this year would be marked by that verse and the next thing i knew i was fast asleep!
I have to unpack but i'll write Part II shortly…
