I may have forgotten how challenging community is. It seems that over the nearly half a year I lived back home, my independency took over and the memories of community living slipped my mind. It also seems that being a leader only adds to the pressure. I’m beginning to wonder how Jesus spent three years with his disciples without sinning. Don’t get me wrong…I love the people here. It just puts a whole new perspective on relationships when you’re spending twenty-four hours a day seven days a week together.
I was talking with one of the guys for an hour or so on the plane on the way out here. I was expressing how challenging it has been to be one of the “leaders.” I’ve often been given the leadership position, but that’s after having spent time with the people or group, and then it naturally happens. This group doesn’t know me yet. They don’t know my strengths or my weaknesses, and to be honest, I’m not even sure that I do entirely. My team is not that much younger than me; several are only a year younger. Within that, many of them show great leadership qualities. So it’s challenging to even know for myself that I am one of the leaders, let alone them believing it. Maybe it’s my own insecurity. I know God has placed me in this position for a reason, but it still seems hard to accept.
The responsibility of being a leader is a lot heavier than I had anticipated. I have a much greater respect for my leader on the race now. There were so many things that I’m sure she had to deal with that I did not know until now. I didn’t think about the fact that it wasn’t just me coming to her with my problems, but the entire squad. That has become so clear to me. Also, just hearing some of the things this team has carried from their pasts often feels weighty to me. I am seeing a lot with new eyes.
When we moved into our house here on Saturday we spent all morning cleaning it. It was basically an abandoned building for several months, so there was some major dust, dirt, and mud to take care of, not to mention the plumbing issues. I wanted to help clean, especially if I was expecting others to participate in it. However, I was feeling pretty burnt-out that day, and every time I went to start working on something I had several team members asking where they could help, or telling me they were done and needed another responsibility. It turned into me standing around delegating. Eventually I was able to get away and sit with one of the AIM staff girls in the grass. We spent half an hour or so just talking and it really helped me to decompress.
I’ve spent so much of my life telling myself that I’m strong and capable, that I sometimes don’t even recognize it when I’m not. I’m understanding that part of community means surrendering even your strengths. I don’t have to rely on myself even when I can do it. I have an army behind me here. There are two other leaders, two AIM staff girls, and twenty-two eager team-members that are all willing to step in even if I could do it on my own. The point is that I don’t have to.
