Costa Rica is beautiful! The sunsets at the beach are breathtaking, and the waves are incredibly powerful. A few days ago, as my team sat outside listening to a sermon on the computer, Jeanette noticed a parrot on the roof of the neighbor’s house. We paused to look, and sure enough, there were actually two there. Things like that make me think of how much God loves us–to the point of giving us glimpses of his splendor for no other reason than to allow us to stare in awe and think, “For me?”
Despite knowing this, I still struggle sometimes to believe that He cares so intimately for me. Last week was a challenge for me.
It was one of those weeks where nothing huge goes wrong, but everything little does. It was just a tough week to survive, let alone feel loved, cherished, adored, or delighted in. The greatest emotion I felt was neglect. It took me all week to realize what I was feeling, too. I withdrew a lot–I spent almost two full days with my headphones in my ears, hoping to drowned out the reminders that conversations were going on all around me that I was not a part of. I missed my family, and was even thinking I may just be homesick–which is a rare symptom for me. I really wanted to curl up on the couch with my mom, pop in a movie, and sip on hot chocolate…or plop down for a mean game of scrabble with my sister. I did not want to be around my squad, though, because I wasn’t feeling appreciated or wanted by them.
I hate days of self-pity–weeks are worse yet. Over and over again I tried to read the Bible or pray, thinking that would solve the problem. Sometimes I felt better, but not always. Why is that? I still cannot completely figure it out, but maybe God was trying to reveal something to me. I think the one thing I realized was that when I start to feel like I am not wanted, I shut off. I do to others exactly what I am feeling–I neglect them. Maybe rather than only going to the Bible and conversation with Christ, I should have been investing in conversation with my peers as well. It’s a lot easier to feel neglected when you close yourself off from others–perhaps next time I begin to feel that way, I will seek out someone and intentionally strike up conversation.
