March 29, 2015
“I will stand at my watch and station myself on the ramparts; I will look to see what he will say to me, and what answer I am to give to this complaint.” Habakkuk 2:1
“Look at the nations and watch– and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told.” Habakkuk 1:5
This past month, we worked at El Shaddai Orphanage and we were all assigned a “buddy” to hang out with and help tutor. I had two buddies, the beautiful and sweet Ayanda, and the gorgeous and witty Siphe, 10 and 12 respectively. These are awesome and wonderful girls. We did homework and read together, colored and watched Narnia with each other. One of my favorite things that I would do with them is have them shout with me;
“I am beautiful!”
“I am special!”
“I am a daughter of the King!”
“I am loved!”
They would grin shyly but with genuine pleasure when we all yelled this.
In such a beautiful place, and with such treasures that I know I didn’t earn, God really broke my heart. There were a few times where I was crying while praying for my buddies and for the other kids at El Shaddai–and I just could not stop. I wept and wept and felt a weight pressed down on my chest. The weight of loneliness, anger, and fear. These things were felt by most of the kids at El Shaddai. I felt them coming up the mountain but they were confirmed by the kids when they told me during Chapel and other places.
One night I was just weeping, and Jesus told me that this was just a little bit of His heart, just a glimpse into the pain that the kids have gone through and what He feels. And that it was an honor to be able to feel it, because it is what the King of King feels.
Another day, God showed me through a fiction and a dream that I should also be praying for the parents of the children, which wasn’t my natural instinct to do. But my heart just broke for them as well. Whether they were the parents who gave up their children because they were dying of AIDS or were so poor that they felt the Orphanage could take care fo them better, to the parents who abused, raped, or abandomed their kids. Jesus told me that any parent who gives up their child feels the loss. A loss, shame, longing, and guilt that feels so immense that it looks impossible to heal.
I had a dream that I had a little girl, and red haired beautiful girl, and she was my daughter. And then men came and tricked me. They took her away from me and told me that I couldn’t take care of her. I still had the choice, but I let them take my daughter and I felt like I had an ugly, plummeting whole in chest, and that no one could make it better and that no one could forgive me.
Jesus told me to pray for the parents, for the whole range of parents, because He loves them too.
To pray that they would know that the hole of loss, guilt, longing, and shame could not only be forgiven, but be entirely healed by Him. That there is always hope in Him. I also thought I should pray for family reconcilliation, whether that meant the parent or another family member would come and collect their children from the orphanage and give them a family again. I thought that it was a naive prayer, but I instantly got a thought.
Try Me.
I had other dreams and pictures, some about the abuses that the kids have gone through, and Jesus is asking me to trust Him with these things. When we hear the world talk about Swaziland, they see a place that looks like it won’t exist in the next 30 years because of AIDS, and that education is a waste, so why bother.
But one morning while I was looking out at the breathtaking view from a rock outside of our rooms, I was doing devotions in Romans 8
“We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what is already seen? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.”
I thought of Swaziland as a whole when I read this. For the land to know that they are sons and daughters of God, and that there is hope here! God was here before and He will be here long after we go. He has a plan for each of these kids and He is excited about those plans. Just because it can’t be seen by us now, doesn’t mean He is constantly moving. When I asked how then should I pray for Swaziland, I just continued reading:
“In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. ” Romans 8:22-26
So I don’t have to have the right words to pray. The Spirit will help me even with that. And among those dreams and visions, those nights where my heart broke, He was reminding me that feeling these things was what He wants.
He wants my heart to be willing to mirror His own, and feel the pain around me. But He also wants me to know the solid foundation of joy and hope underneath that, even when I can’t see it or understand what is going on around me. Sounds easy, I know, but its not. This whole month has been an exercise in giving all to Him in trust, because I am helpless. I am HELPLESS to fix the problem around me. But He isn’t.
This is a copy of a testimony I spoke in chapel last Sunday.
About two years ago, it felt like life was beating me up. I returned home from living overseas, and my mom had cancer, I didn’t have many friends around me, and I found out that I had a lot more health issues that I knew. Doctors were telling me that they couldn’t help get rid of my migraines, that I would be bald within a year because of a medical disease, and that I needed to get surgery or I would get cancer.
In this time the enemy really wanted me to hold onto lies. One was that I wasn’t beautiful because of my weight, health issues, and surgeries. Another was that I was alone in all of this. Lastly that the physical pain would only get worse.
But during the same time, God was whispering to me things as well. He didn’t tell me through dreams, or prophetic words, but just having me look at Him. Remember who He is. He cupped my chin and turned my face to His so that my eyes couldn’t turn away from His eyes. He held me there so that I could study Him, memorize Him, and not look around me. There is so much I could say about Jesus, but I only have a couple minutes to speak. So I will only say this.
My God makes all things new. He told me that I had the opportunity to redefine what is means to be beautiful. He doesn’t judge beauty by the shape of my face, but by the shape of my character. Instead of wearing the perfect clothes to attract attention, He wanted me to wear joy and attract his children to hope. Instead of being concerned about my body or decorating my face and hair, He wanted me to decorate my heart with grace, hope, and love. Every wrinkle, every so called imperfection, and every scar talks of my journey, my story. You wear what your journey has been, and the one who walked beside me and who writes my story fills my life with beauty and purpose.
My God has never, ever, left me alone. He is God with us, and He promised that He would never forsake us.
My God is the God of the impossible. I cannot limit God, His power, or creativity, so I will not write an ending to a chapter when I don’t even know the first sentence.
Lastly, my God is healer, who also uses everything for My good and for His glory. So in my pain or in my healing, I want to be faithful in pointing people back to God.
(I added this last paragraph to the last blog, but it was at the end of my testimony)
In the world, people worship so many gods. Their gods are cruel, unforgving, changing, and distant. I would encourage all of you to write down the names of our one true God and His characteristics. By the time you start to read, your worries begin to look smaller. When you get haf way through, your heart starts to race in excitement. By the end be prepared to dance. Because when it hits you that this God who is so amazing that He sounds like a fairytale is real, then you will really understand when the Bible tells us that the “joy of the Lord is our strength.” The fairy tale is real.
I am going to miss my buddies very much. And I am going to miss the amazing worship that we had on Sundays, with the African harmonies swelling in the air, with the beautiful Swaziland mountains in the background.
I would ask you all for your continued prayer. The enemy hates that we are on this trip , and so He will try to mess with us and make it a hard journey. Pray for our brothers and sisters and world race teams in Nepal. Also, my deadline for the $16,245 is coming up at the end of June. Please consider donating for me, and please also pray for us as we go into Lesotho. We will be the first World Race team there. Ever.
Love you all. God Bless.
~Tori
