I feel like I’m coming apart at the seams. I’m tired. I’m fighting a battle of heartbreak and numbness. It’s day nine of month eight. My team is in Pokhara, Nepal and four out of seven of us are fighting some type of sickness or pain.
The past month in India was tough. I had the train incident, which I talked about in a video on a past blog, my grandfather passed away shortly after, my family’s wedding venue may potentially be shut down, I’m sick (again), and my parents aren’t sure if they’re financially able to attend PVT (Parent Vision Trip) in Costa Rica. I’m sad. There is a lot going on back home with my family, and I want to be there so badly to go through it with them. But I’m not there. I’m here. I’m halfway around the world.
I’m struggling to find the balance between grieving for my grandfather, processing the train ride, trying to have a good attitude though I’m sick, having faith in God allowing the wedding venue to remain open, while also surrendering for His Will to be done and praying for a miracle to happen for my parents to be able to attend PVT.
Y’all. I am tired. And I am really just beyond ready for things to start working out in my favor. I know that may sound selfish to some, but that is honestly how I am feeling at this exact moment.
“The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18
Sometimes there’s not a clear explanation for things that happen in our lives. You know that common phrase, “Everything happens for a reason,” well, sometimes, we don’t know the reason. And I’ve found myself running in circles in my mind, overanalyzing a situation, to try to find a reason for the pain, the hurt, the loneliness. But I think I’m completely missing the point of faithfully trusting God when I’m busy trying to find the reasons myself. When I try to use my human logic to explain things that may be way beyond my thinking, I miss the wonderful opportunity of putting my trust in God. I miss the point of what it means to have faith.
“Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.”
Psalm 42:5
In this Psalm, David is crying out, questioning his downcast soul that is disturbed. He is looking within himself and because his circumstances are oppressing, his emotions are full of turmoil. But he’s not accepting his current emotional condition as final. He tells himself to “Put your HOPE in God,” and states that he will PRAISE him, and then finally declares His authority in his life as Savior and God. David fights back against his emotions. He knows how he feels, but he doesn’t accept them as the final ending.
I have that same opportunity in my life to turn away from what my emotions tell me and to praise God even in the midst of these trials. Even while enduring pain, I can choose to place my faith in God and trust in His plans instead of mine. David also says in verse 4:
“These things I remember, as I pour out my soul….”
David remembers the Goodness of the Lord, the blessings upon his life. I think this is so crucial in our walk with God, especially in trying times. When the weight of the world seems to be crushing us down, we can recall previous times in our lives where the Lord was faithful to provide and let that push us forward in declaring that He will be faithful again. He is a faithful father who hears the prayers of His children and His timing is perfect. He is an eternal God who exists outside of time, so I truly believe that when He divinely acts within our lives that it is the perfect timing.
I am choosing to believe that God is Good, all the time. And though I don’t know why I’m being faced with these circumstances, or why my family is either, I will choose to trust in the Lord. I will not let my emotions determine my faith, but I will put my faith in God, who is the same today, yesterday and tomorrow.
