I’m entering the third and last month of living in South Africa and as I’m sitting here reflecting on December and January, it’s insane how much I have grown. South Africa has been a very difficult time for me. From the day I walked off the plane until about two weeks ago God continually reconstructed my ways. He put me through trials I thought I wouldn’t get through and things I didn’t understand. It was so emotionally and physically draining. I went through the trials of being extremely homesick, wrestling with scripture and being confused about my faith. I realized that there’s a mysterious side of God I didn’t understand and I had questions. I demanded answers from Him and when I didn’t get the answers I wanted, I turned further away from Him. I was an impatient mess.
With this battle taking place I had street ministry and was helping out at a preschool. Street ministry was something I never experienced before. If you’re unfamiliar with what this is, it’s when you go out and go speak to who ever God leads you to and start a conversation with them.
Trusting and allowing the Spirit to guide you.
Being the Lord’s mouthpiece here on earth.
Constantly approaching strangers and getting out of your comfort zone.
I struggled with this type of ministry because I wasn’t at a place where I felt confident enough in my faith to tell others about it. How am I supposed to share who God is when I don’t even understand who He is?
I’m not someone who casually talks to strangers when I’m out, I keep to myself. I’m an introvert, I could stay quiet for hours and be perfectly content without saying one word. But since I’m an introvert I also overthink everything. I let my thoughts of what people will think of me consume my mind. So this ministry was exhausting and terrifying. I let fear overwhelm me.
We spent our time doing street ministry at a touristy mall called Waterfront. This is a beautiful place that is always packed with people from all over the world so it was a great opportunity to share God’s love with others. Too bad I let my fear and insecurities get the best of me, that I didn’t allow God to guide my steps.
The enemy crept in every chance he got. He clouded my thoughts from truth, blocked off my heart from loving others well, covered my eyes to see the beauty of the Creator. He made me selfish and kept me from giving God’s simple goodness to others; a smile, laughter, a hug. The enemy got control of so much of me that I lost my purpose of being here. I wanted nothing more than to give up, to go home, to chose the simple route, to run away and escape from the pain I was feeling.
I felt miserable doing anything because I didn’t want to be anywhere but HOME. I didn’t believe there was this God up in heaven watching over me anymore. I felt alone. I stopped praying. I lost my faith. I tried doing it on my own and I failed miserably. The enemy robbed me from my joy.
I would ask others what they thought of the questions I had and waited patiently while they tried to gather up an answer. Most of the time I was left feeling more confused than I did before. So I came to a point where if these people can’t give me the answers I want, I guess the Bible may be my next best option.
You may not know this but I’ve never really read the Bible for myself. I rarely opened my Bible back home and I read the Gospels for the first time in Cambodia (November). I always heard the stories through other people and was okay with only receiving Truth in this form, up until this point of course. My soul craved for more and I had this huge drive to finally read this book from myself. So I began reading at the start of January.
It’s February and I still have a lot more to read but it’s different now. I have a new comfort that has calmed my heart and my mind. I am no longer blinded by the enemy to see the beautiful work God was doing in me. Through this time I was surrounded by wonderful godly women who helped me break through the chaos, who prayed continuously with and for me, who spoke life over me. They reminded me that no one is going to ever be able to fully comprehend the mind of God because His mind is bigger than ours. He’s the one who created us and everything else on earth and in heaven. It’s impossible to know what He knows. It would be degrading His greatness and purpose if we did. These sweet reminders reminded me of how POWERFUL and REAL our God truly is. He is faithful and does everything with our best interest because that’s how much He cares for us.
I was also told of some things that were hard to hear. I went out for smoothie date with one of my squad leaders named Christa and told her everything. We had a long conversation and one of the things she said to me I will remember for the rest of my life. She said, “There is a difference in seeking out a relationship with Jesus and trying to make Him perform miracles for you to prove His existence.” This broke my heart when I heard these words. God is not a circus animal, He is my dear beloved Friend and I treated Him awfully. I demanded Him to give me answers, to show up for me when I wanted Him to, to show Himself to me so I could know He’s real.
God already made the ultimate sacrifice for me 2,000 years ago when He sent His one and only Son in the form of a human man on this earth to be crucified on a cross for my wicked ways. So I could be shown grace, mercy, forgiveness and every other good thing. This is what He did for me to prove His real love. And each morning I wake up He’s there to take my hand and guide me through each moment of everyday. He continually shows me how much He cares for me. What more could I want from Him?
I see it now. I see the beauty of my Creator, the one I call my Lord Saviour and dearest Friend. I see Him in the mountains, in the blue sky, in the sound of the birds chirping and people laughing. I can feel Him close to me. I am no longer blind to His vast beautiful work of art in this world and in me. I see the way He worked in my heart to deepen my relationship with Him when I was comforted by scripture. His meaningful truths and promises. In Romans 5:2-3 it says, “And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.”
In this broken world we’re always going to encounter pain and suffering, but what’s so beautiful is that God never gives us a trial more than we can bear. He only gives us hard circumstances so that we can grow to continue to be created into the creation He made us to be. And to know He is the only One we can depend on. He is the only constant, sustaining and perfectly pieced together source of Hope.
This story is hard for me to share but one thing I have learned on this partnership with Jesus is that vulnerability is not a bad thing. It brings darkness into light, allows you to be real with your housemates, and it strengthens the depths of relationships. This story was hard I almost chose to write about something else until God gave me a clear sign of the importance of this story. I was sitting at the kitchen table when my phone lit up because I got an email. I picked up my phone to see what the email was about and it turns out it was a donation, I was very pleased. I loaded the page and received several other donations, I was extremely overwhelmed that my eyes began to water and I stared at my phone in complete shock. It was just another clear confirmation that God’s needs me to stay, that this is exactly where He needs me to be to further His Kingdom. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who has been supporting me through this, it’s honestly so amazing how much love I receive from you all. You guys are truly incredible. Thank you thank you thank you!!!
Always with love,
Tori
