As I get ready to embark on the Race, I am reminded day by day how broken I am; how much my soul NEEDS Jesus. I use to think that being weak was foolish, but Jesus has granted so much healing and newness as I have learned to embrace my brokenness. So today, I wanted to share my brokenness with you, so that through my weakness, you may hear about His strength and His glory, His faithful love and never-ending whimsical pursuit of my heart, of all of the world’s hearts.
My past has stained my canvas. I am not a clean picture by any means. I have faults, struggles, hardships, and lies that find ways to creep into my mind. I am a sinner. I mess up, make mistakes, and fall short often. So, why is it that brokenness is often the place where true newness begins?
Brokenness is the door to Jesus. Its a must. Brokenness is the beginning of all of my story. Of all of our stories.
Brokenness is ugly, yet beautiful; painful, yet whole, and some of the deepest trenches of discovered life.
As the oldest child in my family, perfection was always something that I struggled with. Oftentimes my hardest struggle was loving who God made me. My heart was so enthralled by the world and the people around me, but it was not beating as strongly for the person whom housed it. I struggled with eating disorders through middle school and early high school. I battled anxiety through my younger years and many days wondered why my heart was craving something more. My heart’s identity was not where it needed to be. I was broken.
During this brokenness, I cried out, hurt, struggled more, but little by little I began to notice a shift. As the Word pierced my heart, I began to see that my identity was not in the clothes I could fit in, the men who would notice, and the belief that somehow the world would love me more if I could fake loving myself more.
So I prayed…I prayed for God to reveal His love for me and to show me the vastness of His love.
That was the best and hardest prayer I have ever prayed. It flipped my world. It broke my heart more, but only so I could see that down the road, that brokenness leads to more life.
Graduating college in two weeks, my identity rests in Jesus. I am still broken, I am still learning, I am still growing and need Jesus now more than I did then. I have realized my need and that in the meadow of brokenness, vulnerability and Jesus are the two most freeing forces on the planet. To lay down walls and open your heart to tough lessons is hard but so worth it.
My prayer for the Race is an equally radical prayer…I pray for God to take me deeper into His heart, so that while in His heart, I may learn to see more of the beauty He has placed within. I pray for newness and new brokenness that yields new life and I beg at the feet of Jesus for more. I will always need to be broken. Daily we need to realize that we are here to be used and in order for most eggs to be used, they have to be broken.
Jesus, may your whimsy stir our hearts toward your heavenly glory that is only found in the brokenness that is our souls. You are so good.
-V
