I’ve never understood or felt the Love of the Father as I did this month in Swaziland. I expressed during the month of Cambodia, God opened my eyes in a simple bible study of why we were created and that is to be Jesus' Bride. So beautiful. However, on top of that remarkable placement I still was not being fulfilled as I knew I ought to be.
There was still something missing, God’s true unconditional, forgiving, gracious, love.
I was frustrated because I thought I found the mystery to this absent feeling. One word: creation. I was created to be Jesus’ Bride. Therefore, God has a plan for me, I am chosen, He knew me before time, He created me in my mother’s womb, He has me engraved on the palm of his hands, and He has the hair on my head numbered. All amazing truths, but again, for some strange reason I was still not satisfied. The love of the Father seemed to be, not enough.
God is good, I know He is, I would say to myself. His plan is higher than mine and He “who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us” Ephesians 3:20. I knew all these truths in my head, but it was getting these truths to move to my heart. What was it going to take? I prayed for God to soften my heart, I prayed for him to take away all these feelings of restlessness and numbness but I was still battling the need to perform, to strive, to be somewhat good enough for God to love me and good enough for myself. Would I ever accept the love of the Father? Would I ever be able to love myself? Was I ever going to realize that God does not want to strike me down, but just wants to love me?
After expressing my feelings with my team and being handed a helpful resource about Spiritual slavery to Spiritual Sonship and I realized I was like an orphan living without a home. I was living my life with apprehension, struggling with the fear of trusting, the fear of rejection and the fear of opening up my heart to love. I didn’t believe God when he said “I Love You” and if I could not be loved by the Father then no one’s love was going to be enough nor was I going to be able to fully love.
I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving – kindness. Jeremiah 31:3
How sweet the sound. This simple realization changed my life forever. My home really is in God. It’s a place of rest, safety, love, compassion, and affirmation. God paid the ultimate sacrifice so I can find a home in HIM.
I am now learning what it means to be a beloved daughter of the king and how important that is. Now that I am finally feeling complete and finally at home I am working on God’s Agape love. Love that seeks humility, service, honor and value. All characteristics God has shown me and what I want to show Him in return and others. I know that my mistakes are covered by his grace and can really feel that in my heart. I feel I can finally love with an ever lasting love because I know and believe my royal place as a daughter of the king. I am alive and feeling all of this love for others that I have pushed away for years and thought it was impossible to feel.
God is incredible, He brings so much freedom and if you keep following Him He will show you the most amazing love brought from heaven to earth that is truly better than life. Psalm 63:3
