I don't want to go anymore.
I'll just stay home.
The World Race isn't for me.
I had it all wrong.
This week has been tough, and all of these thoughts have run through my mind. "I'm good at home. I'll be alright if I don't go." This week has been an emotional catastrophe for me. Even though we don't leave for the Race for another month, we're leaving our "home" on Wednesday (i.e. Rochester). We've been packing up the remainder of our belongings, going to graduation parties, and essentially dreading Wednesday morning. We've said "farewell" to the youth group with which we have work for 4 years, and on Tuesday we say "farewell" to our jobs. I am dreading this most of all. I'd basically be okay with staying here and nannying these sweet babies for a few more weeks years as long as I didn't have to say "goodbye" to them. I don't want to leave them. Because I am, I've been a wreck.
We found out in September that we'd be leaving Rochester to embark on this journey. I told my bosses in October that I'd be leaving. I've had 8 months to prepare myself for this. Yet I'm two days out, and I'm not prepared. I'm not prepared for the "goodbyes". I'm not emotionally ready to leave my home, my friends and family, "my" babies. I'm not ready to go. I don't want to go. But I do. I'm just so ready to go. But I'm not ready to leave.
My heart is racing.
My toes are tingling.
My Jesus is beckoning.
This isn't even that bad. Jesus asked the disciples to leave everything behind and never look bad. At least He isn't asking us to do THAT. Not yet anyway…
Tonight someone threw us a "going away" party. So many students and some parents were there. I pretended to keep it all together. I think I fooled them all. I almost fooled myself. On the drive home, I wept. On the drive home, I sincerely asked God WHY He called us to leave everything to do this trip. I almost told Him we weren't going to go. But that's insane. We are ready. He's prepared us well. We must obey His calling.
Freedom.
Forgiveness.
A new heart.
A brighter future.
I know there will be freedom on this trip. He will grow us, use us, lead us, expand us. He will release us of our ugly shells and renew us as He always does. But in this moment, I don't want renewal. In this moment, I want to keep my awesome job. In this moment, I want to stay in the youth group I have grown to love and cherish. In this moment, I love Rochester way too much to leave. But in this moment, He's standing there waiting for us to release our desires and loves into His hands so that He can use us to reach the nations, the people who do not yet know about Him. The youth group? They love Jesus. The kids I nanny? I feel that He's used me well the past 2.5 years. And Rochester? It's just another city. In the scheme of things, it won't matter that much.
Tonight I cry because of all the things and people I will miss. Tomorrow I will probably leave work and sob knowing that, after tomorrow, I will only have one more day with my sweet Mateo, Julia, and Nico. But on Wednesday, when we leave, I will rejoice because My God has called us to this journey, and He wants to fulfill part of the great commission through us. What an honor! This month, I will focus on what I DO have instead of what I don't. This month, I will focus on the NEW friends we'll make that will become family. This month I'll focus on fact that we will get to lead people to sweet Jesus. This month I'll focus on the children we'll get to love on. This month, I'll focus on our calling.
There was a time that I didn't want to go on the World Race.
But Jesus isn't okay with us sitting on the sidelines.
So now I'll leave the comforts and pursue Him in spite of it all.
