My heart is empty.
My soul is bare.
My passion is transitory.
My desire is gone.
I stand alone in the middle of a crowded room.
I am questioning everything I have come to know.
I doubt who I have become.
I watch as they raise their hands in worship.
I stand motionless. I am a statue.
My heart is empty.
My passion is fleeting.
My desire is gone.
I write feverishly as my mind swarms with the questions. I faintly hear the worship music in the background. I pay no attention to the words. I hear only my own voice. I only have ears for my own insecurities.
I trust only what I can see.
“God, what is it? Please reveal what selfishness is keeping me from You! Is it the questions? If so, why? I don’t want a few unanswered questions to stand in the way of the full purpose You have for my life. I know I’m missing out on so much. You have a purpose for me, and I’m letting it slip between my fragile fingers. I’m told that You’re all I need, and I would know that if I would pursue you like I believed it. Do I believe it? What do I believe about You? What do I not believe about you? I need something to show me Your love. I know it’s a silly request, but I need You to do something crazy for me. I want to believe that You deserve glory. I want to want to give it to You. Help me, God. I need Your help. I need revelation. I need something…”
I wrote this one evening during a worship session that my team was having. My mind was racing and my heart felt desolate. This doesn’t make sense to me. None of it does. The more I study and the more I read the Word, the less sense any of it makes. I have far more questions than answers. My questions take hold of my heart and slowly start to rip out the truth that has been established. I needed something more than what I’ve been told all these years. I need more.
Earlier that day I had a conversation with Jeremy. He’s noticed that I’m different. He’s seen that I’m distant. I’m not passionate anymore. I have no desire. It just doesn’t make sense to me. It doesn’t make sense. It seems too…unreal, unimaginable. It can’t be true.
But God is calling me. I’m not meant to understand it all. Some questions are better unanswered.
As I sit in the back, away from the team, my heart continues to race. I ask God the questions no one wants to ask. I get real with Him. I get real, and I’m dirty.
“I need You to show me that You love me.”
Becky walks up to me, takes my hand, and says one thing:
“God wants you. He desires you. He says He wants to see your passion and desire for Him again. He told me to tell you that.”
Tears stream down my face. My heart feels a flutter. My heart skips a beat. I ponder the words she spoke over me and I know.
I know it’s God, and He’s showing me He loves me.
He told me the exact same thing I had written about moments before, and it came from an unexpected source, one who had no idea of my pain, my frustration, my doubt.
Suddenly the questions no longer matter.
My joy has been complete.
My faith has been restored.
I am no longer a statue.
I am not alone.
My heart is full.
My soul is covered in His blood.
My passion is restored.
My desire is restored.
