I've been rejected. No one likes me here. I'm just another racer, nothing special. I'm not good enough to be liked.
All these and so many more thoughts have rushed through my mind since the minute I left training camp a little over a month ago. At training camp the ladies gathered around and asked what we were most afraid of on the race, and my response was that I was afraid of being "neglected" because I was only one of two women on my race that is married. And since training camp, I've felt rejected, neglected. I've felt that I'm not as "cool" as the other girls on my squad because there's something different about me. I've allowed the enemy to dig down into the deepest parts of my being and steal away my identity. I've allowed him to make me feel like my identity is only placed in what other people think of me. I've allowed myself to feel insignificant and unworthy.
As we arrived at launch to start this awesome, grand adventure, this lie hovered over me like a deep gray cloud. My mind was consumed with thoughts of being unloved. I felt unloved by the women on my squad. It was nothing they did or didn't do, but I felt it. It surround me, it consumed me, it flooded me. As a result, I distanced myself from the rest of these beautiful women so that I would not feel further rejection. In my mind, it made sense. It made perfect sense. I kept this secret so hidden that not even my precious husband knew the contents of this brokenness. I had only shared it with one person at all, the one person on the team (aside from Jeremy) that I feel most secure in sharing my vulnerability. She has spoken truth into my life over and over again.
I am a daughter of the King.
God is compassionate towards me.
I am redeemed. (Colossians 1:14)
I belong. (Ephesians 1:5)
I am complete through Christ. (Colossians 2:6)
I am given a spirit of power, love, and of sound mind. (II Timothy 1:7)
I am the salt of the earth. (Matthew 5:13-14)
Tonight as we sat in our last session before launching to India tomorrow, the leaders asked if we needed prayer, and if so, to seek it, ask for it, and declare it. I felt the turning in my soul. The Spirit was leading me to seek prayer, to ask for deliverance from these lies. But selfishly I sat in my seat. I justified my disobedience by saying that I could bury these feelings and everything would be okay, it would go away. My sweet friend sat beside me and asked if I was okay. I plastered on a smile and said I was. A second time she asked me. My response was that I was "fine". A third time she looked at me and said she sensed that there was trouble in my heart. I told her I was okay. A minute later, another precious teammate came up to me and asked if I was okay. She said she felt that she needed to look around until she saw me. At that moment I knew that the Spirit had beckoned so much that I could not contain my soul any longer. I poured my heart out to these two girls, tears streaming, expressing feelings of being unloved and rejected within my group. These ladies spoke life into me, declaring God's TRUTH into my life. I am not rejected! I have been chosen. I have been bought with a price. Christ has redeemed me. He has already won this battle that is waging within my soul. I am not rejected. I am accepted! These are lies the enemy is conjuring up to distract the real purpose of this mission–HIS MISSION. He loves me, and has placed me on this team with these people because there is something He wants to fulfill directly through us. How insanely awesome is that?!
We are His beloved. He handpicked each of us. We are His.
