For 25 ½ years I have lived a life of narcissism.
For 25 ½ years I have complained, whined, and negatively portrayed the life around me.
For 25 ½ years I have found bad in every good thing, and I have not been satisfied.
This past year has grown me in ways I could not have thought imaginable. I’ve seen, experienced, grown, and done so much more than my brain has the capacity to process. I sit here with only 49 days left on the Race and I wonder why God brought me here in the first place. There are so many reasons, still some unknown. Yet there are other reasons that have been plain as day. God has used great big neon signs to show me some of these reasons. I’ve grown, and it’s been so good.
“Toni, you complain—a lot. You’re more often negative than positive. You tend to see the bad in situations rather than the good.”
This is feedback I have received numerous times throughout the past year. I don’t like it. In fact, I hate it. When I receive it, I internally want to rebel, lash out at the person or defend myself. None of those things are good, though, because what they are saying is the truth.
I would never dream of placing the blame for my pessimistic attitude on anyone other than myself. I’ve often wondered if other people noticed my attitude. When I realized that they did, I wondered why I had such a negative perspective. I believe part of it is due to my upbringing. No, my parents didn’t traumatize me or anything like that. But if I’m being honest, I grew up in a very negativity-filled household. My family, I feel, saw the worst in everything and they shared those opinions. I was never taught to look for the good in things or to encourage anyone. I lived there for 18 years, so it kind of just “grew into me”. But I’m an adult. I haven’t lived with my parents for nearly 8 years now, and I’m still like this.
It started affecting my ministry, my team, and even (in some small ways) my marriage.
During our last debrief, my coach asked to have a one-on-one with me. At first I thought she wanted to talk about how I had been doing since one of our teammates left back in January. What she really wanted to discuss, however, was something I wasn’t expecting. She expressed to me that she had sensed negativity as I was explaining how my previous few months had gone. She felt a “spirit of negativity” around me, and she wanted to challenge me in something.
She encouraged me to journal (which I already do), but instead of sharing all the negatives feelings I have, she wanted me to only write down the positive ones. She encouraged me to write a “what-I’m-grateful-for” list in my journal every day in order to shift my focus in the right direction.
I’ll be honest: it was tough at first. It has been difficult for me at times to write down only positive things when I feel that I have so many negative thoughts swarming through my head. For me, writing is a good release, a good way for me to “vent”. It’s not difficult for me to find negative things to write down. It is, however, for whatever reason, to find positive things to write down.
There have been days that I have only been able to muster up one or two things for which to be grateful. It’s been an experienced I’ve struggled with, cried over, and laughed about. I’m been thankful for it and I’ve hated it. But it’s been 25 days, and I feel that I am starting to become a new person. I see my lists getting longer each day and I see my negative thoughts becoming fewer.
If Christ can live a sinless life only to have it ripped from Him on a cross for my sake, the least I can do is find good in every situation. This is the life that HE’S given me. Why not look for the good in it?
