In April when my dad told me he no longer wanted me in his life because I don't agree with his life choices, I was hurt, but swept it under the rug. It has only been in the last five years that he and I have had any sort of good relationship anyway, so I reasoned with myself that it would be okay. I decided that I would not be one of those girls with "daddy issues". At training camp many of my fellow squad mates shared the pain they felt from not having their father in their lives. I sympathized with them, but because my wounds were still very fresh, I "couldn't" relate.
During that week and immediately afterwards, God kept telling me to write my father a letter telling him that I loved him and I forgave him for "disowning" me, and that I would be here waiting to restore our relationship when/if he has a change of heart. It took me 3 weeks to write, and with tears streaming down my face I mailed it off, expecting that to be my last bit of communication with him.
Jeremy and I were visiting with my friends and family in North Carolina just before leaving for the Race, and it just happened to be over Father's Day weekend. I realized in that time how desperately I wanted to see my father, yet knew it wouldn't happen…and it didn't. I was crushed.
I came on the Race and quickly fell into ministry, long forgetting my issues. After all, they're buried, right? During our 2nd month, in Nepal, our team had a 10 hour worship session, and God hit me hard with reality. He brought to surface all the feelings I had neglected about my dad and with my parents divorcing after 23 years of marriage. Even at the age of 25, being married for over 3 years, and having lived 1,000 miles away from my parents for the last 5 years, it still hurts a lot to know that my parents are ending their marriage, the one marriage I thought would never fail. I wept, openly, for the first time since finding out a year ago. And even more? My heart stung with the pain of rejection. My dad didn't want me anymore. My dad, who always loved me and did absolutely everything in his power he could for me, was done…all because of different viewpoints. I was never "daddy's little girl", and now I realized that I'd never even know what a good relationship with him was like. The man who walked me down the aisle to my prince just 3 years ago has neglected his family and started a new one, and I have been left in the dust.
For so long I've been pondering the lie that I no longer have a father. But God, oh my God, He's so good! God reassured me otherwise. Of course I have a father! I have a Father who loves me more than any earthly one ever could. And the best part is that I'm not just his daughter, one of many, but I am his BABY GIRL. I am His precious angel who He loves infinitely. I am Daddy's Little Girl. I am Daddy's Little Girl. I have a Father who will neve leave or forsake me. I have a Daddy who loves me in spite of my decisions, or mishaps, or viewpoints. I am His little girl. This beautiful new reality has been ingrained in my head for the last month, and any time I feel sad or rejected, He wraps his loving arms around me and says, "I love you, baby girl. I love you."
