Who has the Pencil?

          I want God to write the story of my life. He is better qualified for the job than I am. He knows me and He loves me. He knows the world and He knows how He wants to use me in it. His timing and direction are perfect. And so I have committed my life to Him and given Him permission to take creative control of my story.
          Everyday I have to ask myself, “Who has the pencil?” The answer should obviously be God, but more often than not it is me. I tell God I want Him to be the author but there are times when I haven’t handed over my plans. When I have filled my whole day with my plans, writing in everything until the pages of my life are full, where can God write? He is left writing only in the margins. And He will take it because he wants to be with me but He doesn’t want just the margins. He wants the whole page, the whole book, my whole life. He wants to write the whole story. So when I realize that I am the one with the pencil, I have to erase my plans and once again allow God to have control.

          But I am also learning that there are some plans that I have written so deep in my heart that simply erasing them won’t work. These plans have been carved into the page and when I try to erase them, the page still holds a mark. And so God is having to tear those pages out of the book of my heart, and it hurts.

          Last month I began this process with God. I gave Him permission to transform my desires and passions.    I fasted from contacting home in hopes of centering my heart and thoughts.   And it was hard. It is hard to let go of the things you love. It is hard to acknowledge your deepest desires and accept that they may never come to fruition. It’s hard to promise obedience to a plan you don’t know or understand. 

          So naturally fear and doubt crept in. I feared that my dreams were gone forever. I started to fear that the life God would write for me would be scary or lame. I doubted that God truly had my interests at heart. But, God is faithful. Through everything God was with me. When I yelled He listened. When I cried He comforted me. When I worried He reassured me. In my doubt, fear and frustration God continually showed me that He loves me. Through everything He showed me that He is good and trustworthy. He showed me that I don’t need to fear. I can trust Him. He will write me a good story.

          I want God to write the story of my life. He is better qualified for the job than I am. He knows me and He loves me. He knows the world and He knows how He wants to use me in it. His timing and direction are perfect. And so I have committed my life to Him and given Him permission to take creative control of my story. I want Him to hold the pencil.