Bolivia Part 2: What God was doing internally
Internally, God was stirring things up me. Things I thought I had dealt with. It reminds me of a stream. When there is busyness and distraction sloshing around, the water is murky, but when the silt and dirt settles, one can see clearly what's underneath. Although we were doing a lot of sloshing around in the river, internally, our time in Bolivia was free from many outside distractions ( internet, loaded to-do lists, noise), which allowed things to settle. I discovered that I am still very much performance driven. I am constantly trying to have the good that I do, outweigh the bad, It's almost like I have an internal scale inside keeping tallies of my daily deeds. The goal it not to be "bad." I realized that much of the time I work hard, not because I just really want to see the task accomplished, or even God be glorified, but because I don't want to be seen as lazy or useless or weak.
Along with this revelation, I also was shown (and are still being shown) that God has given me permission to live. Much of my Christian life had been spent trying to obtain permission from God. Though this may sound holy and righteous, it actually stems from fear. But God has given me permission to live. Permission to fail. Permission to make decisions. Permission to live out of the sonship he has begotten me, not focusing on trying "not to not sin," but walking with Him as his beloved son. I am still processing these things and haven't mastered them yet, but my prayer is that God will cause a heart shift to occur what I pursue God out of desire rather than out of performance.
