Every couple of months, when we enter a new country we have a debrief. Debrief is time where we rest and refocus. Our Squad Coaches and our Squad Mentor (we love all three so much!) fly out to see us. They help provide direction for our squad: encouraging us toward God and lovingly confronting things that hinder us from reaching our full potential in Christ.
Our last debrief was in Quito, Ecuador and was held at a cool hostel by the name of "Big Mama Hostel." Through the messages that were given each night, team meetings, and personal conversations, the Lord drew me closer to Him. It was a complete answer to prayer. For a long time I had been struggling to hear the Lord's voice. I would ask Him questions and hear nothing but crickets chirping (if crickets were in fact around). This would leave me frustrated and asking questions like, "is God withholding Himself from me?", "does God want to speak to me?", and, "what's so wrong with me that I can't hear Him speak?". It was almost as if, when I asked God a question, I put a constituent on Him answering. Though, I would never say this, unconsciously I would be saying something like "God if I hear you speak to me, You are good. But if You don't, I am not so sure You are good." Needless to say, this created some very unhealthy views of God and even views of myself.
It came to a head, when, one night during debrief, I couldn't fall asleep. So, instead of just thinking about trivial things, I decided to think on truth. As one thought led to another, a question formed in my mind, "God, am I enough for you?" Now, I would love to tell you that, hope beyond hope, I heard the Lord's voice loud and clear, saying "Yes, Tom, you are enough for me." But I heard nothing. And even though I knew the truth from His Word that I was enough for Him and that He loved me, I wanted to hear it personally. In that moment I felt a mixture of hurt and intense frustration. I then proceeded to half lecture the Lord and half plead with Him of why He should speak to me. After much wrestling, I ended my prayer by acknowledging the truth that God is good and He has never withheld Himself (or anything good for that matter) from me. I also acknowledged that there might be more going on than I realized: brokenness in my perception of Him and even Spiritual warfare trying to keep me from connecting from God.
The very next night our Squad Leader, Amanda, spoke on God's love for us. It was simple and yet profound. She also played for us an excerpt from a sermon about God's great love for us entitled "Inheritance" by Graham Cooke. In part of the sermon Cooke says:
He loves you, because that is what He is like, it is His nature to love, and you will always be the beloved.And His love is unchanging, and He loves you 100%, He won’t love you any better when you become better. He loves you 100% right now, and even if you have no plans to become better, He will still love you 100%; because He loves you, because that’s the way that He is,
God used this to reset my view of Him. I had forgotten about how personally interested He is in me and I had forgotten how grand is his love for me. It helped me see that, once and for all, God's heart was and is and will be good towards me.
In the next couple of days I was able to talk to one of my squad leaders and one of our squad coaches about my frustration about not hearing the Lord's voice very well. Interestingly enough, and yet uncoincidently, they both suggested not trying so hard to hear the Lord's voice, but rather to let Him "sneak up" on me. And to continue to seek Him through Bible reading, prayer, Christian books, and worship music. This wisdom set me free to stop trying to control by demanding an answer from the Lord, and start enjoying my relationship with Him and living as His beloved. Throughout this month, I have continued to remind myself of His love for me and it has made a big difference in both my thought life and in how I interpret the events I experience in life. I pray that you, too, are reminded of God's great and personal love for you and that it begins to change how you see Him, yourself, and life.
I would strongly encourage you to to listen to the "Inheritance" speech by Graham Cooke. You can click here to listen to it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FgzXXKjaPZA
