They said the race is what you make it, and that if you go, you will come back a different person.
Well, I can’t speak for everyone, because I am just one person. BUT I am one person that can testify that, yes indeed, I came home a completely different person! I boarded a plane on January 9th, 2014 to Puerto Rico, and came back 11 months, 11 countries, 2ish different teams later to my hometown, a new person. I knew my identity. Of course I was me, but I was different too. In the way I thought, the way I looked at situations, the new dreams I wanted to pursue, and all in all the different way I viewed Christ and His children.
I know this blog is titled the last day of the world race, but the last day of my race was so incredibly heartbreaking that I’m not sure I want to get into all of the emotions. It would just be a depressing blog as I wrote about each of the dear people that I had to hug, and then let go of, watching them walk away not knowing when I would see them next. I was full of sadness and denial on the last day. Denial that it was actually ending, and that it was now time to say goodbye to all of my dear friends God had blessed me with for way too short a time.
That was nothing that I probably could have ever prepared myself for.
And that’s all I will say about that.
This blog is more about how God had changed me while on this wild 11 month journey.
Before we headed to Guatemala, the final month on the race, I was talking with my dearest friend and team leader, Casey. She is quite the woman, and I could go on and on about the person who had the most impact on my life. Yes, this is the same person I didn’t get along with for most of the race, but she never stopped loving me. And now, I don’t think I could ever stop loving her.
We were sitting on a curb probably eating ice cream, or some chips, because that’s just how we do. And I confessed to her that as the end of the race was approaching, I felt like I had missed what I was “supposed” to learn. She encouraged me that there was still time left. We still had one more month, and as we learned on the race a month was short, but still plenty of time for God to work and move. She also encouraged me to really press into the Lord and seek His answer to my question.
So that’s what I did. I asked God and myself this question:
“Did I find what I was looking for on the world race?”
The short answer is yes, just not what I expected.
The long answer:
As I looked back over the ten months of my race, I felt as though I had missed it. Like I should have done things completely different. I should have completely surrendered since the beginning. I felt like there were still things in my life that I had yet to surrender to God or that I still had control over. And liked it that way, if I’m being honest. I felt like I still didn’t love with everything. With all of me. All the time. To everyone. I still overlooked people and didn’t allow God to interrupt my life. I still wasn’t as bold in sharing my faith or sharing about Jesus. I was still so completely selfish. Not wanting to share my food or time or things. Putting myself before others.
As I wrote and thought about all of this, I realized that, yes that may all be true, but at the same time maybe those were the things that I expected God to change in me, and because that didn’t happen, it left me discouraged or disappointed with this year, and the feeling that I had missed it.
But I didn’t, because I realized:
1.) God is not finished with me yet. It wasn’t only for those 11 months that God had to complete all of the work in me. It’s a process, and I may get it wrong 100 times before I get it right. Eventually though, I will get it right, as long as I’m still breathing, there is still time for God to help me with all of those things.
And
2.) He taught me other things. Lessons I didn’t think I needed to learn or ones that I didn’t expect to learn.
So as I write all of those things above (yes there is truth to it), but God shows me other things. Forexample… No, I may still not be as bold in my faith, but I have put myself out there a lot more than I ever have in sharing Jesus with others. And I am always willing to pray for someone more so than I ever have been. No, I may not love the way Jesus does, but I am learning to love. And that is a lesson I hope I continue to learn. I learned to not let personality differences or offenses or pride put up walls that allowed me to withhold my love for people. I learned to train my mind to assume the best in everyone. And I learned that I can disagree with people and still love them. No, I may not be generous with my time, but I have allowed God to interrupt my whole year! Away from family and friends and comforts and culture to:
A redefined family in my team and friends that I hope to keep forever. Public speaking and giving sermons and testimonies for God’s glory. Finding my identity in Christ. Loving everyone equally not just loving the people on the outside of my life, but also the people on the inside whom I do life with everyday. Finding joy in shoveling dirt and scrubbing church floors. Realizing it’s really not about me. Seeing God’s kingdom on earth as it is in heaven. Realizing the endless depths of God’s grace and mercy and hope and love.
Everyday we have the ability to choose. We can focus on all the ways in which we fail and fall short OR We can focus our eyes on Jesus and allow him to help us not only with our flaws, but also to see the ways in which we are improving.
If we choose the first, we miss out. If we choose the second, there is hope. Life is a daily choice. And I choose the second. I choose Jesus.
And Finally
3.) One of the biggest things I was searching for was home. That sounds so cliché I know. But that’s the truth. And I don’t know how to write it without sounding like a cliché. I was hoping I would find my next step or a landing place in one of these Latin American countries. I just knew I would. But I didn’t. In an unexpected turn of events, the Lord actually stirred in me a passion for the United States.
In a sense, I guess I did find what I was searching for in a home, but I realized what I was searching for wasn’t a place. It was the people. My squad. They are my home. Because every now and then when there is a wedding, and we’re reunited, it ALWAYS feels like coming home. Familiar. Warm. Cozy. Understood. Comfortable. Exciting. Accepted. Brave. And Hopeful. That is home to me.
One of the hardest things I had to do was say goodbye to my Y squad family. I still miss those faces, the talks, the tears, the trials, the crazy. So. Much. Crazy. You hate them. You love them. You forgive them. You don’t understand them. They see you at your worst, and yet still choose to love you. There is nothing like experiencing a life changing adventure with strangers that suddenly, unexpectedly become your family. I would probably not have handpicked these people, but I’m so incredibly glad it was them. Each and every person contributed to this unforeseen family.
And just like that, despite living what felt like the longest year of my life, it was time to leave Guatemala to begin a new adventure again. After being in my hometown a year and a half now, I’ve come to realize that life continues. Moving from one journey, one season, one adventure to the next. All the while you’re still running the race.
It was difficult, yes. I felt like God had done all these good things and finished the book, only to completely erase it and start back at the beginning.
But the work didn’t end there. That wasn’t all that was written. God continues to change and grow and mold and teach me.
It wasn’t over; it was only a new chapter.
And sometimes even good chapters have to end, to move on to great chapters.
Until the next adventure,
TJ
