I follow a Lord who emptied Himself of His divine power and strength to be a man. When I said yes to this journey I sensed in it an invitation to follow Him to a place of voluntary weakness. I knew that making that choice would mean knowing more deeply the power and presence of God but even while stepping into it insecurity rises up within me. Will He leave me hanging? What if I show up and He doesn’t? What if I end up missing out because I waited for Him to move when I should have been doing something?
I’ve left the land of relying on my own strength to save myself, but struggle to fully live in the world where I rely fully and solely on Him. The times I do trust there is an inner stillness, but it doesn’t come naturally. What comes naturally is using my mind to figure things out, using my hands to secure what I need, being strong and ready for anything that comes.
I’ve been in Thailand about two weeks. Our ministry assignment is worship. I didn’t even know that was one of the options. Instead of diving into the frontlines of relationship building like all of the other teams, we are assigned to devote ourselves to ministering to the Lord Himself, to standing back and watching. My mind, usually so sharp and clear has felt like its partially asleep most of the day. My body usually full of life and energy has taken on an unfamiliar sluggishness. Any spiritual sensitivity and awareness of the movements of the Spirit has seemed to be under a fog.
We had decided on times to worship and times to ATL (Ask the Lord). But trying to hear from Him during our ATL times has felt like an exercise in futility, as we do different things: music, walking, scripture, silence and so on. After a few days of it I was exhausted and spent. Finally in an unguarded moment of writing postcards I became aware of my emptiness. Then in the last day or so I started meditating on how Jesus was the ultimate example of one who emptied himself. Things haven’t come together yet in terms of where this is leading, but today I started to feel more confident it will.
