Intercessor…
Whenever I thought of that word I would think of all the people I knew who LOVE prayer. Who long to be alone in a room praying for hours and hours. I’d think of the retreats I went to as a youth where I’d see an ajumma (Korean) on her knees praying when I went to bed, only to wake up the next morning and see her in the same position because she had prayed all night.
I would think about the disciples and how they prayed as if they just knew what the Lord willed. Of people I knew who seemed to have a knowing deep inside as if they could hear the Holy Spirit with total clarity.
Lastly I would think of people who had the faith to believe for anything. Who would pray bold prayers assured the Lord would answer.
14 years ago my pastor said I was an intercessor, but in the years to follow I would wonder in my heart what it was he saw because I was not that person. Every time I set aside time and tried to pray alone for long hours, it was awful. Simply wretched. And for all that I wished for clarity in prayer and gave myself to listening for Him, my hearing was spotty, filled with fuzziness and I couldn’t help but second guess myself constantly. Lastly, disappointment from unanswered prayers I’d had for years and that continue to be deep longings in my heart made me feel unable to pray for greater things. I’d think it’s at the point now where I don’t even have faith to believe for this personal thing, how could I possibly bring myself to pray for the impossible? For Nations? For Justice? The work of believing had always been one of the hardest parts of interceding.
Sure, over the years there were many moments where I sensed the Lord leading me how to pray, and in the couple years right before the World Race, I was even on the prayer team at my church and there were many times where I sensed the power of the Spirit over us and saw Him answer.
But still…I could not bring myself to see myself as an intercessor. Yes, I did have a ministry of prayer, but in my mind that was different.
This week, He brought all these things up and made me look at them. In that time He showed me that these images were some sort of abstract ideal that I had set up in my mind, and they had gotten in the way of embracing the way He sees me. I needed to start to ask Him how it works for me because it’s different for everyone.
He showed me the ways He’s grown and continues to grow my ability to hear, to believe and ultimately to pray. I saw how much my ability to pray is affected by how connected I am to the Word and that as I’ve grown in it is so have my prayers. He showed me how much assurance I can have to pray anything that is already in His Word over any person or situation.
So these last few days, I’ve had so much gladness of heart because I’m realizing that my long desire to help people will actually come to fruition. But it won’t come from the resources I have in myself, the things I’ve worked so hard to have because I’ve always wanted to help people and always wanted to have a lot to give. Because the more I experience life in this big world, see it’s heartache and feel it’s pain the more I look at my wisdom, education, abilities, experiences, network, finances, health and think… I got nothing. Absolutely nothing…
But when I think about the Lord, the things I’ve seen with my own eyes about His character and His ways, I realize more fully now than ever before that I can say there is something I can do to help. I can put your need before the God who saved Israel with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm, the one who created the heavens with just a word, the one who listens to my petitions and acts because of them, the one I know, the one I love.
